Bare cheek: Late-pril fools!

It was 1st April three weeks ago, and, arch-japesters that we are, we had a dozen or so wheezes lined up for just such an occasion ready to hoax, hoodwink and otherwise raise the hackles of our easily gulled readership. Alas, they were all bumped for apiece on a new boutique hotel in Bedford Square called Paper Roses where the rooms are all named after members of the Osmonds.

But we were loathe to wait another n years till April 1st coincided again with our issue date – and so, we assumed, are you. So here they all are. To spice things up a bit, we have included a fake hoax (a real news item). See if you can guess which it is.

ROLLS ROYCE UNVEIL NEW MOBILITY SCOOTER
Rolls Royce surprised investors yesterday by unveiling its first high-end luxury mobility scooter. The Silver Poltergeist boasts four-wheel drive, precision engineering, calf-leather seats, a walnut dashboard, a top speed of 22 MPH and will set you back a cool £350,000. The first order has been placed by a bloke in Whitehawk – Mr Terrence Fiddler.

BILL ‘GOD-DIE’
Erstwhile Goodie, Springwatch presenter and manic-depressive pretend pop-star Oddie has lived up to his name (Oddie we mean – not Bill) by claiming to be the Second Coming. In a hastily-arranged press conference, Oddie (79) surprised precisely no-one by revealing that he considered himself the Godhead made flesh and would shortly be ascending to heaven after purging the Earth with a plague of funky gibbons.

OFFICIAL PAPERS REVEAL THE QUEEN HAD AN AFFAIR WITH SACHA DISTEL
It had long been known that her Majesty had a weakness for men in white tuxedo jackets carrying single red roses and with their dickie bows artfully undone, but when this was coupled with Gallic charms she found it impossible to resist. The months-long torrid affair was a major behind-the-scenes diplomatic incident that nearly plunged us into war with France, Greece, and all Distel’s many female admirers.

WISHEE-WASHEE SIGNED TO CHELSEA FOR RECORD SUM
In a shock move, Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has announced the signing of fictional pantomime character, the lazy and incompetent launderer Wishee-Washee, for a record-breaking twenty million pounds. Mr Washee, who does not appear in the original folk tale Aladdin but was invented specially for the pantomime, is believed to have been courted by both Arsenal and Manchester United, and this signing comes at the end of a prolonged series of negotiations. “Wishee is a star player,” said Mourinho yesterday. “With Baron Hardup as centre forward, Ping and Pong as wingers, and Buttons in goal we will go into next season with the strongest side in the league.”

THE ELEVENTH COMMANDMENT
Religious scholars have been plunged into controversy by the discovery of ancient Hebrew scrolls which purport to be the original Book of Exodus, in which Moses brings down from Mount Sinai not Ten Commandments – but eleven. This ‘new’ commandment – ‘Thous shalt not mix cross-ply and radial’ – has cast doubt in certain quarters on the veracity of the documents. Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury, proclaimedthe scrolls a major find.

DID YOU SPOT WHICH ONE WAS REAL? THE ANSWER IS…NONE OF THEM.
IT WAS A TRICK QUESTION.

Five more reasons you must see “The Opinion Makers”

1 It contains no sugar whatsoever, and can be enjoyed as part of calorie-controlled diet.

2 The cast includes the lovely Emma Kilby, who you might know from “Sid Lester’s Christmas Special”, and “Radio City Theatre.”

3 According to an old copy of Reader’s Digest we read, laughter is the best medicine, so this musical comedy about the rebranding of a “cure-all” could – ironically – be a “cure-all” itself.

4 The first preview went down a storm and drew glowing comments from audience members which can be seen on our website www.foundrygroup.co.uk.

5 Why not, eh? After all, what else are you going to do –
go home and watch Inspector George Gently while eating Monster Munch and scratching your arse? We rest our case.

Mitchell and Nixon’s hilarious comedy musical ‘The Opinion Makers’ can be seen in a new co-production by award-winning companies Driftwood Productions and The Foundry Group at Latest Music Bar, Manchester St. Brighton on 5th, 6th and 11th May, 8pm (ends 10pm) as part of Brighton Fringe. Tickets £10/£8 available from brightonfringe.org
or 01273 917272.