Made In Chelsea S7E8: “You’ve got a cactus in your face”

Fresh from the news that Alex has not only cheated on her five-fold but has also had a sexual encounter involving Spenny, Binky is once again bed-ridden. Alex, meanwhile, is totally F-ed off with Spenny, his co-orgy-participant. Alex blames him for spreading the word, far and wide, to the likes of Jamie. I agree – how DARE Spenny FORCE Alex to venture out of Monogamy Village towards the bright lights of Syphilis City.

Toff’s back. She’s in the salon with Steph discussing how men are awful. I used to think Toff was awful but she’s so ridiculously over-the-top that I might be changing my mind..

On the other hand, we absolutely DO NOT like Christiane. She’s out with Spenny, flaunting her wears, telling him he looks 30!

“Out of Monogamy Village towards the bright lights of Syphilis City”

Wheeze goes for drinks with Steph, Stevie and Andy. Steph and Stevie eye each other up!!

Rosie and Mark Francis are car shopping. Mark Francis tells a dark story about when he learnt to drive. “I learnt in a Rolls Royce, but drove it off a bridge. So I had to drive a Mercedes instead.” STOP MARK FRANCIS! PLEASE! I won’t sleep tonight.

Sam and Wheeze are breaking their fast. Knock Knock! Someone’s at the door. It’s Toff! What the hell are you doing there, Toff? Do you even KNOW the Thompsons? By all means Toff, sit back, put your feet up? How would you like a hard-boiled egg? Cup of tea? Shares in IBM? The deeds to this house? Controversial alert: I like Toff. I think she has the potential to be the new Gabriella.

Riley is telling Lucy about her blossoming relationship with Stevie. Lucy says “I’m happy for you” with all the enthusiasm of a heterosexual male at a private screening of “One Direction: This Is Us”.

A Bridge. In Chelsea, if you meet at A Bridge with a significant other, you are either going to cement your mutual love or you are about to destroy someone’s self-confidence forever. It’s the latter. Binky tells Alex that if they were to get back together again she’d be worrying all the time whenever he goes out. He then says, “I don’t mind.” EXCUSE me, Alex? YOU don’t mind?????

Stevie takes Steph to a roof to show her his Shard. They kiss, as the sun sets behind Battersea Power Station.

Jamie throws a picnic. Sam relishes telling Riley about Steph and Stevie. Stevie then comes over to Riley and acts as if they were never dating. That, it would seem, is the end of that.

Binky is still annoyed that Spenny coaxed Alex into indulging in group-sex-activity. Which is a bit like paranormal activity but without ectoplasm.

Stevie wastes no time in romancing Steph by the river. Meanwhile, Jamie makes a move on Riley, much to the chagrin of Sam and Lucy who are just very very bitter.

Next week’s predictions: The Riley/Sam/Stevie web will entangle itself with the Lucy/Jamie web, and also with the Steph web (which isn’t really a web because she is just one entity).

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