Ruby Grimshaw fights fire with fire

I am glad I am not alone in objecting to having to endure other people’s noise. I mean the strident mobile phone conversation from the young girl letting everyone know that she is on the bus, has reached The Steine, and will soon be at Churchill Square. Or the stuttering of an iPod, issuing in bursts from the person sitting next to you on the train, as though a family of mosquitoes were trying to escape from their ears. Particularly annoying is the booming beat, blasting out from a passing car, which can make one jump in fright.

I had been putting each new annoying noise down as just another entry on the growing list of moans of a grumpy old lady. Then I met another sufferer at my creative writing class last week in Seaford, and okay, M is nearly my age, but he is a bloke and someone whom I’ve always considered to be a tolerant, laid-back sort of guy.

“He began to read from his book, out loud, to the whole carriage”

M informed us that he has taken to fighting back on the intrusive noise front by joining in and returning each annoying noise with one of his own. For instance, as he was walking along St Leonard’s High Street, he was followed by a young man playing his smartphone at a high decibel level. Michael went into disco mode (circa 1970 I imagine; what a thought), leaping and singing and wey-heying as he went along the pavement. Unfortunately, it had no effect on the young man.

Another time, on a train, a young lad opposite him began a loud conversation on his mobile, and M found it impossible to concentrate on his book. So he began to read from it, out loud, to the whole carriage, and only stopped when the telephone conversation finished. He had to recommence reading out loud when a second passenger answered another call in a deafening voice. Again, this had no effect so I thought his book choice might have something to do with it. I suggested he carry a spare book specifically for the purpose – something like Belle de Jour, or anything by Jilly Cooper might do it. I don’t think E.M. Forster’s Aspects Of The Novel had the right ring to it.

I wish I had the courage to do this myself. I am working myself up to it. So if you see me reading out loud on the 5B, please look around for the naughty mobile phone caller and enjoy my reading. Don’t send for the men in white coats.