Brighton Lights: Once upon a time

Richard Shayler spins a yarn of televisual proportions

What to talk about this week? Well, I could tell you about how amazing our Brighton Lights launch party hour-and-a-half special is going to be. I could tell you about the burlesque dancers, the all female choir, the cabaret, the comedy, the champagne, the nibbles, the balloons, the celebrities, the drag queens … I mean, I could tell you … But I don’t want to ruin the surprise!

All I’m going to tell you is that it will be on Freeview channel 8 this Thursday 28 August at 6.30pm!
What I really want to do is tell you a story. It’s a story that has it all: danger, surprise, love, action, comedy, and … painting? This is, of course, the tale of two young bucks on a quest to acquire props for the brand new Brighton Lights set.

William Ranieri, the Brighton Lights director, and Richard Shayler, the Brighton Lights producer, started their quest around 11am. Admittedly this was two hours behind schedule (Sorry Will, I get very nervous in furniture stores). He knows this, but he still shouted. So anyway, off we went down to Shoreham. Just before we got to Shoreham I thought it strange that we hadn’t seen a furniture store. I innocently asked, “Do you know where we’re going?” William nonchalantly replied, “No, I thought you did.” “So, you don’t know where the furniture shop is?” … William didn’t reply. We just kept driving. In silence. I went to put the radio on, but I feared a furniture ad might come on, so I refrained. This quest had not started well.

The awkward silence was broken by a phone call from the boss. He suggested we go to The Martlets Depot and see what they had there. I couldn’t control my excitement! I knew where that was! I kept my cool, though, and we still sat in silence.

Eventually, I couldn’t control myself any longer, and asked whether they would likely have what we were looking for. William replied, “How would I know? But it would be good if they did.” I agreed and said, “It would be very good if they did.”

Well, it appears Lady Luck was on our side. We arrived at the depot and a red sofa, perfectly matched in size and style for our needs, was crying out to be bought. We utilised some other customers in the shop to see if three could fit. It was a tight squeeze, but not impossible! It did have a healthy coating of cat hair, which I said added character, but William insisted it be vacuumed.

We left the depot happy. Well, William is allergic to cats so he was sneezy … but happy all the same.

Then it was off to a timber store. We needed to buy an 8x3ft board of MDF to allow Brighton’s very own Cassette Lord to begin designing our backdrop to the set. But they couldn’t deliver until the day after. Time was of the essence, dear readers, so we pleaded with the assistant. He wasn’t budging, but a lovely builder was feeling compassionate and gave our timber a lift to Cassette Lord’s house. We didn’t have any money, so I attempted to pay him with the paracetamol I had in my rucksack. William had the same idea, and was offering Piriteze. He was a star, though, and didn’t demand any payment! If you’re out there, lovely builder, you’ve played your part in televisual history by ensuring Latest TV’s flagship show will look great.

William and I then spent the rest of the afternoon painting the board, ready for Cassette Lord to begin his artistic trickery. It truly is going to be amazing.

So there you have it. What a quest! The moral of the story is, arguably, never go shopping with an Italian; they are mean and seem to thoroughly enjoy awkward silences. One more week, people … remember to re-tune your Freeview boxes!