Andrew Bullock: MIC-NYC 3

“I know you’re constantly focusing on Jonathan’s groin…”

Alik has asked Wheeze to accompany him on a walk with his labrador. At first I think he has gone blind since Episode 2, because he has strapped this poor animal into what looks like a guide dog harness.

Billie’s friend Carson is kick-boxing with her. They bump into Proudlock and Stevie. Proudlock lets his hair down for a moment. He looks a little bit like Kellie Maloney from this year’s Celebrity Big Brother.

Mark Francis, hide your eyes. Don’t look, lest you turn to stone. He is strolling down the street speaking in tongues, unaware that he is about to walk in on Victoria with a long sausage in her mouth. She is eating a hot dog. It’s disgusting, and she should hang her head in dirty, shameful shame.

Jules is meeting his GIRLFRIEND. They kiss and everything. She even looks like him. In fact, his face is more womanly than hers, and hers is more manly than his. She is all, “How was your date the other night?” (WTF?) He is all, “Yeah her name’s Rosie and I really wanna shag her”. The girlfriend tells Jules that he should tell Rosie that he is a polyamorist! A what?! Isn’t that a type of toothpaste? Then we find out that these two LIVE TOGETHER! WWWWWTTTTTFFFFF?! And to confuse things further, her name is Jana, which I swear is the name of Mark Francis’ maid! Jana, is that really you?

Stevie finally asks out Billie and they go for a picnic. They have a nice enough time I suppose. Billie seems quite nice, but she is clearly a polyamorist too, as she has Spenny on the go simultaneously. Stevie starts explaining what a cox is. I think she knows precisely what a cox is, Stevie.

Jules is wearing spandex. He, Alik, Rosie and Wheeze are on a rock-climbing double date. Jules is SUCH a polyamorist that he manages to work these three phrases into the rock-climb:

1 “I think you guys are beautiful from all angles.”
2 “It’s fun to be physical.”
3 “Was he well endowed?”

Get a room, Jules. With yourself.

Riley, who is bitter about this whole Billie thing, tries to summarise the situation: “I think she’s really nice and, like, obviously, you know, she’s nice, and I think she’s obviously… obviously Stevie likes her, so, I mean, obviously so there must be, like, some good things about her.” Thank you, Riley, for that.

“Jules is a polyamorist. A what?! Isn’t that a type of toothpaste?”

It’s Binky’s birthday and Anna Louise has arranged a surprise and OMG you just will die when you find out what it is. GAB-RI-ELLA! Yes!!! She’s back! She is singing like a box of feral cats, but she is back, and joy fills my heart.

Jules asks Rosie out, proper. She’s still none the wiser to his polyamoristic ways, but says yes.

Spenny asks Billie out on a second date and she says yes… in front of both him and Stevie. WTF is she playing at, may I ask?! She is more of a polyamorist than ruddy Jules!

Andrew’s blog can be read at drewjbullock.wordpress.com

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