Tasha Dhanraj is not a die-hard Bruce Willis fan

I’ve crossed the first barrier in my relationship. I knew this was coming. I’ve been waiting for something to come up that would test the oceans of our attraction. I thought it would be something to do with our families, or perhaps his distaste of mushrooms, but no, it is something far more irreparable and serious than that… His favourite film is Die Hard.

He made me watch Die Hard on New Year’s Eve. He keeps talking about Die Hard. He loves Die Hard. I was planning on having a romantic evening, just the two of us, a bottle of wine and, for the first time in my life, having someone to kiss when the clock struck midnight. Instead, I got Die Hard, Bruce Willis’ least interesting and least appealing role. I say that, but the only other role I have seen him playing was Rachel’s boyfriend in Friends and he annoyed me then. I understand why Rachel would go for the older gentleman, but him, with all the muscles and a face that looks like it had been crafted out of a melted brick of Lego? Really?

Please pander to my self-absorption for a moment and allow me to pretend that you’ve been reading my column for long enough and studiously enough to remember that I hate films. I don’t see the point in them; they last too long and are generally dull. By far the worst of all films are the vile and dreaded action genre. ‘Ooh look he’s getting punched, oh he’s been punched again. He fell over. He’s got back up again. He’s punching someone else. Oh, it is so thrilling.’ Why would I want to watch that for over 90 minutes?

The few films I enjoy are ones like The Rocky Horror Show – (sexy transvestites singing) or Willard (creepy loner man has pet rats). My boyfriend’s Die Hard obsession highlights a key flaw in our relationship: I am clearly his intellectual superior. He may have taken a GCSE when he was 10 like some freaky child prodigy, but he is no match for me and my love of disturbing cult films; films that obviously need a higher brain level to appreciate. He was doing ever so well in all other aspects of our relationship that it seems a shame to let him go. I’ll forgive him for this and get rid of him if he makes another fatal blunder, like enjoying Lethal Weapon.