Matt Whistler The Unvarnished Truth

The essentials were packed, a mango, 12 vault battery for the electric toothbrush and several monkey nuts. Music festival Bestival was looming.The train journey to Portsmouth resulted in a baggage and body search because the ticket guy overheard myself talking to Latest TV Co-ordinator about a skint comedian who once sold vodka jellies at a festival.

We departed the train at Portsmouth and the ticket collector on Fridays 903 from Brighton to Portsmouth had contacted the transport police and told them that we were travelling to Bestival to undertake a multi million pound drug operation. NOTE TO THE TICKET COLLECTOR Just before you go to sleep tonight and you close your eyes and slip into bo bo world, I want you to visualize a 100 angry men prodding you with meat skewers.

After being greeted by the transport police in Portsmouth William was talking to one of the officers explaining that the guy currently having his arse felt by the other officer was Matt Whistler the Surfin Bird fella. I was asked to remind them of the tune so I flapped my wings and went into bird mode.

After we got the all clear and a ferry trip on Wight Ryder II to the Isle of Wight I went glamping for the first time, the days of wrestling in the mud with a pop out tent are gone, this is an artistically designed wooden hut. Glamping is glamerous camping,its weird walking past another hut pod to see a man propped on the end of his bed looking reflective and philosophical and with a low roof also looking like a hermit trying out a small shed at B and Q.The sequence of events unfolded as follows.

I entered the REPLY tent a denim jeans workshop to use a hand held electric sanding device called a Dremmel to create false wear and tear marks. Consequently the entire pair of jeans were Dremmeled to the point that the squiggle marks and swirls attracted the attention of the entire tent and I looked up to notice there were several photographers all honing in on my new creation. I was only meant to be there for 2 minutes but felt like Rolf Harris and couldn’t stop me self.

The DJ said you ought to copyright that …. so here it is Matt Whistler is proud to announce that bullet hole jeans are now a thing of the past….. the latest craze to take to the streets are SQUIGGLE jeans.

I asked Headlining act and nice guy Robert Smith from the Cure, if he would like a whistling opera on the main stage conducted by myself during his set.

He looked at me like I was some weird goth then floated away. Booming crazy Canadian ex woodcutter comic Craig Cambell invited me onto his night at GETCOMEDY.COM

I sprinted onto the stage fully charged to bust out my Surfin Bird dance, it didn’t help when after a huge introduction the sound guy put an obscure dub track on by accident and the first 10 seconds involved me dancing to a previously unheard track.

Its moments like this where my thong feels mentally invasive and I sado masochistically quite enjoy the wincing pain of the whole gig potentially feeling like a penguin in a sauna. Shame there wasnt time for stand up but by this point I was ready to sit down anyway.