Barecheek

Brian Mitchell and Joseph Nixon’s thoroughly scurrilous Brighton column

YES, IT’S THE BARE FACEBOOK SUBSTITUTE

Do you waste a goodly proportion of your waking hours checking Facebook? Do you wish you could rid your life of its baleful influence, and finally get round to writing that novel, or at least tidying the shed? Well, salvation is at hand – merely cut out and keep the following Generic Facebook Page (which contains 100% of your daily Facebook content) and stare at it for one second whenever you feel like looking at Facebook.

A Bloke You Know Slightly posts something A Bit Right Wing. David Cameron inexplicably asks you for you opinion on How He’s Doing, the f*****g c***.

You Just Won’t Believe what this baby/puppy /kitten/child/old man/old woman’s reaction is to this other baby/puppy /kitten/child/old man/old woman.
A Woman changes her profile picture and receives two dozen insincere compliments.

Someone is proud of something His Kid has done. Someone else posts A Hilarious Thing about what kind of people read what kind of newspapers.

A Woman recommends something by Another Woman.

Some Wazzock posts some statistic (e.g. 97% of British MPs have been in jail) that you take at face value and only later think Wait A Minute…

A Bloke mentions something jammy that has happened to him and tries to make it sound like he isn’t bragging, even though he is.

Which Character From Gaspar Noe’s Irreversible Are You? Take This Fun Quiz To Find Out.

A Neo Nazi Organisation tries to trick you into liking them by putting up a picture of A Duck On A Skateboard.

Unconvincing Mock News Item unworthy of April Fools or Sunday Sport (or even Bare Cheek).

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Many columnists have passed through the pages of Latest 7 magazine over the past decade, moving on to pastures new, while we have hung on grimly by our fingernails resisting all attempts to dislodge us, like some particularly hardy strain of barnacle. But what happened to those famous faces who once graced this rag? We reveal all.

Marc the Vet
After being insulted by an unusually articulate parrot whose broken wing he was attempting to put in a splint, Marc left the veterinary profession. He now works as an exorcist in Eastbourne, and pens a column, ‘Marc the Exorcist’, for the Herald.

Matt Whistler
The hilarious nude tobogganist
is now Professor of Comedy at America’s Columbia University.
He was recently invited by Harvard to deliver the prestigious Norton Lectures in 2015.

Danni
The Latest magazine’s bold, intrepid, 11-year-old columnist is now a dog-catcher employed by the local council. She was in the news in 2012 after being outwitted and locked in her own van by a Dandie Dinmont Terrier.

Momma Malone
The single-mother columnist is the brains behind Bop It!, and is a multi-millionaire. Currently, she is training a private army in the extensive grounds of her Surrey mansion.

Disgruntled Dad or Whatever
He Was Called Disgruntled Dad, or whatever he was called, is now a cage-fighter working under the name ‘Luke Angry’. In October he hit the headlines when his family volunteered him – seemingly without his knowledge or consent – for a relief expedition to Sierra Leone.

Katie Glass
Lovable roving showbiz reporter Katie bowed to the inevitable and opened her own double-glazing business in Chingford in 2011. Customers who quote this column can get a 15% discount at ‘Glass Glass’.

The Maydays
The multitudinous ‘improv’ group now all work in the same branch of Curry’s in Goldstone Retail Park. Since September 2013 they have offered a unique service: they will improvise a musical based on any product in Curry’s range; simply quote the relevant catalogue number and the style you want. (This service is provided free of charge.)

Seann Walsh
The floppy-haired stand-up earns a crust these days as a valet, working for the Duke of Devonshire. In this role he provided off-colour material for the Duke’s eulogy given at the recent funeral of the late Dowager Duchess, fondly known as ‘Debo’.a plain bread roll.