Matt Whistler paddles with danger

The annual Paddle Round The Pier event (3 July) provided the perfect setting for Matt’s latest challenge. The brief from iconic local painter Mervin Etienne (AKA Artistmerv) was simple: find a boat and paddle it around the old West Pier to claim victory in the Paddle’s main event.

Part one proved simple enough as Matt was able to buy a boat from fellow comedian Dave Thompson for £20, but the name didn’t exactly fill him with confidence.
“I took my travelling vessel back to my house only to realise its moniker challenged fisherman’s superstitions – it was called The Clown Of Death.

“A Navy friend told me about a boat he’d been on that flaunted fisherman law. It was named Friday, set sail on a Friday – and sunk the same day. But then again, he also named a boat Titanic 2,” he said.

Despite the name and the boat’s slightly ramshackle construction, Matt was assured that it would “sail like a knife through butter – well butter left out of the fridge for a couple of days anyway.”

And with that ringing endorsement, Matt prepared to set sail alongside co-paddler and Latest TV co-ordinator, William Ranieri. Would the Clown Of Death hold out for the duration or would this clown be laughing at Matt and William while they were left swimming with the fishes?

Matt donned his superhero undies, sequin hat and cape for the race but the duos paddling technique wasn’t quite so super and they began to veer off somewhere into the Channel.

A lifeboat came over and a Hoff look-a-like said that if they didn’t get back on track there would be carnage. But even after they did manage to redirect away from France, there was still carnage.

“Just as we got to the end of the West Pier, one of the paddles snapped and rendered us incapable of sailing in a straight line.

“After going in circles for 10 minutes I found the substitute paddle I had packed, but the wooden tennis racket didn’t work as well as expected,” Matt said.

Fortunately, the lifeboat returned and they were able to give Matt and William a cheeky tow, which saw them literally fly past all the other paddlers at G-force speed.
With the speedboat at full speed Matt struck his best James Bond pose, although he said William didn’t really appreciate being called Pussy Galore.

Having finished the race in some style, the boat still needed to be transported back but Matt was able to use the customised wheelie-bin, land conversion kit and rode the bin-boat all the way home.

See the Clown of Death’s voyage at www.paddleroundthepier.com or suggest Matt’s next challenge at www.facebook.com/latest7 or www.facebook.com/mattwhistlerbrighton