Bare Cheek: Ask Saint Nick

Good day, ladies and gentlemen. Well, it’s that time of the year again, seems to come around quicker every year. So, kiddies, tell me what you’re after, and I’ll do my best to provide it…

Dear Saint Nick,
Please can I have a Stampy Longnose plush figure and also a Stampy T-shirt? Thank you.
Ben Popper (age 11), Hanover.

Saint Nick says:
Er, well Ben, you could have those things if I had even the tiniest scintilla of an idea of who or what this ‘Stampy Bignose’ bloke is.

Dear Saint Nick,
He’s a YouTube celebrity who has become famous for his videos in which he plays Minecraft.
Ben Popper (age 11), Hanover.

Saint Nick says:
Nah, come on, be serious mate. Who is he really?

Dear Saint Nick,
Honestly – he plays Minecraft on YouTube. Millions of people watch him and he’s become a millionaire. Me and my mates love him.
Ben Popper (age 11), Hanover.

Saint Nick says:
Well, I can see I’ve wasted my life bothering to learn to play the guitar and piano, and bloody well rehearsing and writing songs and releasing albums and composing film scores when all along I could have sat on my arse playing video games, laughing like an idiot, and waiting for the money to roll in.

Dear Saint Nick,
Er… okay, but can I have the plush figure and T-shirt please?
Ben Popper (age 11), Hanover.

Saint Nick says:
Are you sure you wouldn’t rather have something more sensible, mate? Like a copy of my acclaimed 2013 album ‘Push The Sky Away’? (It got five stars in the Guardian Guide.) Or a DVD of my movie ‘20,000 Days on Earth’?

Dear Saint Nick,
Look, just give me the bleeding Stampy stuff okay, grandad!
Ben Popper (age 11), Hanover.

Saint Nick says:
Fine, have the bloody Stampy stuff, but don’t come crying to me in six month’s time when nobody’s heard of this Stampy bloke and you can’t even sell your memorabilia on eBay.

Ahem, well I’m off for a calming mince pie with brandy butter. See you in the funny papers.
Nick XXX

In&Out

SPECIAL ‘FORGOTTEN CHARITY SINGLES’ EDITION

In
• Let It Be (Ferry Aid)
• You’ll Never Walk Alone (Bradford City fire)
• Everybody Wants To Run The World (Sport Aid)
• Ferry Cross The Mersey (Hillsborough)
• With A Little Help From My Friends (ChildLine)

Out
• The Stonk (Comic Relief)
• Suicide Is Painless (SCOPE)
• Running All Over The World (Sport Aid)
• Use It Up And Wear It Out (Help a London Child)
• Do They Know It’s Christmas? (Band Aid II)