Bare Cheek: Predictions for 2015
Well, ladies and gentlemen, 2014 was a bit of a rum year, wasn’t it? But will 2015 prove any better? We gaze into our enormous, pulsating crystal balls to find out.
JANUARY
The media and shopping industries conspire to create a new day (called ‘Green Wednesday’ or something) in which everyone spends the money they saved by shopping in the sales before Christmas. The entire country goes bankrupt and the internet breaks down. Bus fares and house prices both go up 20%.
FEBRUARY
After thousands of complaints about the 18 bus service, it is replaced with the brand spanking new 19 bus service, which is almost exactly the same but slightly worse.
MARCH
Work begins on the fabulous, hugely-popular i360 tower, but is halted when it becomes apparent that the wrong blueprints have been sent, and that they are in fact constructing an enormous pachyderm, white in colour. House prices go up two grand.
APRIL
A cosy greasy spoon off Western Road somewhere, with décor that has remained unchanged since the early ’80s, and a menu of cheap fried food that is enjoyed by a clientèle of painters and decorators, taxi drivers, OAPs and students, is closed down and replaced by a howlingly trendy eatery that only serves boiled eggs (at £5.50 a pop) or something similarly and hilariously ironic, run by a tattooed, bearded hipster named after a character from Blake’s 7.
MAY
Nine pubs close down, three of which were only opened a month previously. The festival involves the staging of many, hugely-expensive multimedia shows from overseas, all of which are favourably reviewed by the broadsheets and is counted a huge success. It is then discovered that only three actual members of the public actually went to any of these shows, but this is regarded as an unimportant detail.
JUNE
The manager of the pub off St. James’ Street that used to be called The Battle of Waterloo bitterly regrets the decision to rename it, as he sees the Duke of Wellington up the road do all the trade during the bicentenary celebrations. House prices go up four grand.
JULY
All the people living in the containers on New England Road are accidentally shipped to Japan. Work begins again on the wonderful, marvellous i360 tower, but is halted when it is discovered that, once again, they have the wrong blueprints (this time for a large statue of a seabird from the biological family diomedeidae).
AUGUST
Brighton Pride is largely incident free, as always. House prices go up by another six grand. The binmen go on strike for three weeks and noone notices. Bus fares go up 50p.
SEPTEMBER
Work starts on the Brighton Open Air Theatre, but, somewhat inauspiciously, is held off by adverse weather conditions including, but not limited to, hail, sleet, freezing fog, hurricanes, typhoons and blizzards.
OCTOBER
Due to a typo, the Paramount Comedy Festival is headlined by Jimmy Carter.
Overnight, the playground at St. Anne’s Well Gardens disappears into a sink hole. Nearby playgrounds at Dyke Road Park, St. Nicholas Church and West Pier each agree to take fifty refugees, but Hove Park declines, claiming it is already stretched to capacity.
NOVEMBER
Following last year’s Alex Salmond controversy, Lewes Bonfire Society attempt to select an utterly uncontentious person to burn in effigy this year. Unfortunately, due to a clerical error, the person chosen is Allah, and a fatwa is issued against the entire town.
DECEMBER
A compromise is finally struck to preserve the Frank-Matcham-designed interior of the Hippodrome as it is turned back into a Bingo Hall. Work begins, once more, on the i360 tower, but yet again it is abandoned when they discover that this time the blueprints are for a carved round stone, with a hole in the middle, commonly used for grinding grain. Brighton Council try to avoid offending religious sensibilities by sending greetings cards wishing ‘Jo Saturnalia!’ Bus fares go up 20p.
