Bare Cheek: Conspiracy Time

WITH BARE CHEEK’S RESIDENT CONSPIRACY THEORIST, COLUMBO SPENCER.

Wassup sheeple!? I’m sure there are those of you who would like to believe that the world is a simple, uncomplicated place, full of acts of nature and accidents. Two words, sheeple – Absolute. Blooming. Nonsense. There are no accidents. Everything is controlled from behind the scenes by a shadowy cabal comprised of … but I’ve said too much. To say more would be endangering your lives. Instead, here are a few snippets from my conspiracies file.

Remember that helicopter crash Mike Smith was in? It was a bomb that caused that. And who do you think planted it? Let me give you a clue, guys and gals, now then, now then ughhhughhhh. That’s right, it was Bernard Manning. Why? Smitty was about to reveal to his Radio 1 audience that all of Manning’s jokes were secretly written by none other than former Archbishop of Canterbury Robert Runcie.

You know that ice bucket challenge thing that was all the rage in social media some time ago? A lovely, harmless bit of fun to help charity I suppose you’d think. Well, you’d be wrong. Actually it was all about baptising unwitting dupes into the church of Satan, and who was behind all this? Step forward our old friends the Illuminati.

The moon? It’s a laser projection, friends. That’s why nobody was able to land there, and NASA had to have Stan Kubrick film all those fake moon landings he alluded to in The Shining. And guess what? The laser projection was accidentally turned off for eleven minutes between 3.04 AM and 3.15 AM on 12th August 1979. The only people to witness this were John Lennon, Lady Diana Spencer, and Whitney Houston, all of whom died in suspicious circumstances. Coincidence? I think not.

1963 – JFK assassinated. 1968 – RFK assassinated. “R” is eight letters after “J” in the alphabet, which leads me to believe that a Kennedy with the initials “ZFK” will be assassinated at some point in the future. The assassin will only have one name (following from Lee Harvey Oswald who had three and Sirhan Sirhan who had two) Which one-named person will it be? Madonna? Pele? Cher? Enya? We shall have to wait and see.

You want to know the real reason for the Invasion of Iraq? Weapons of mass destruction? Nope. Not even close. The real reason was that Saddam had a stargate. Yup, a stargate, just like in the movie Stargate. And the television series Stargate. Scientists had built it for the dictator and he was about to use it to sell the earth to insectile aliens from another dimension. Well the New World Order couldn’t let that happen could they? So they got George W.Bush and Tony B. Liar to close him down.

What happened to the stargate? That would be telling.

Right, I’d best be off. See you next week, when I’ll be explaining how World War 1 didn’t happen, and demonstrating the hidden link between Dustin Gee, Kim Jong Un, and Hurricane Katrina.
Keep a look out for the black helicopters,

C.S. X

What We Used To Say

An occasional series in which we struggle to remember the once common, simple words or phrases that have been replaced by ugly, overblown neologisms.

WHAT WE SAY NOW: Wealth Creators

When we were growing up, we were taught that propaganda was a cynical tool used exclusively by communist states. But it turns out that this itself was propaganda, for there can be no more blatant example of it than the phrase that forms our topic today. It joins “Hard-working People” and “State Handouts” amongst the lexicon of lies employed by our governing class.

WHAT WE USED TO SAY: Businessmen, Tradesmen, Industrialists, Employers, Capitalists, Exploiters.