Bare Cheek: Conspiracy Time
Brian Mitchell and Joseph Nixon’s thoroughly scurrilous Brighton column
With Bare Cheek’s resident conspiracy theorist, Columbo Spencer
Greetings, sheeple! Here are a few more snippets from my conspiracies file…
World War I? Didn’t happen. None of it. You’ll notice how everybody who “claims” to have fought in it is now conveniently dead? I rest my case. The whole thing was faked, using actors, manipulated photographs and film footage, and hypnotism. And who was behind it? Step forwards our old friends the Illuminati.
World War II (or, as I like to call it, World War I) did happen, obviously. But who started it? The Germans? Nope. Poland? No. Russia? Nyet. It was started by none other than Walt Disney. Why? It was an attempt to start another stock market crash so he and his friends could usher in a new world order. Did it work? Perhaps it did, my friends, perhaps it did.
How many popes have there been since 1340? Go on, have a guess. Two hundred? Three hundred? You couldn’t be more wrong. The real answer is one. That’s right – one. It’s been the same bloke for over seven hundred years – one Jan de Gruibert, an alien immortal. Every now and then he pretends to die and changes his physical appearance – the only thing he can’t change is his race or sex, and that’s why there’s never been a black or female pope.
April 15th. A perfectly normal date, yes? Just an everyday day of the year, the same as the other 364 days, eh? Well let’s look at some of the events that happened on April 15th shall we? It’s the date that the Titanic sank, the date that Abraham Lincoln died after being shot the evening before, the date that insulin first became available to diabetics, and the date that Leonardo Da Vinci was born. And who is the figure that links all these together? Yup, it’s J.P. Morgan. Following instructions buried in Leonardo’s paintings and drawings, he instructed the Jesuit captain of the Titanic to deliberately sink her, arranged the shooting of Lincoln, and financed the inventing of a drug to counter the effects of an obesity epidemic he himself had, on purpose, helped create. But why? Why? Er, actually I’m not sure why, but I’ll get back to you when I think of something.
Did you know that nobody with blue eyes died in 9/11? Look it up.
Ever watched the Academy Awards, AKA The Oscars? Did you know it’s actually a method of communication? Yup, it’s the secret way the Rosicrucians communicate with their thousands of sleeper agents worldwide. Just take the first word from every acceptance speech and add them all together if you don’t believe me. Oh, and if Bill Pullman ever wins Best Supporting Actor – run! That’s the signal to exterminate all life on earth.
Right, I’d best be off. Actually I’d better go into hiding for a bit, as I suspect the collection of Illuminati stooges, Bilderberg group members and lizard people we laughingly refer to as “the government” are watching me. Catch you later, hombres.
C.S. X
In & Out
In
• Chlorine
• Talking telephone numbers
• The emancipation of the serfs
• Whist
• Gumboils
Out
• Wet Ones
• Cannon and Ball’s Casino
• Carpet burns
• Being unable to stop thinking of wiener schnitzel when cleaning out the cat litter tray
• Waldemar Januszcak
