Ruby Grimshaw hides away from team sports

I can never understand why men make this great mystery about the offside rule. If I can understand the rule then surely anyone can. I used to hate any type of team game at school, and in hockey I would choose to play in goal because I was always cold and everyone would give me their sweaters as they got warmed up.

(I became quite a good goalie, aided no doubt by my wide girth by the end of the match.) It was also the only position whose exact place I could be sure about – apart from right back, which even to me was self evident.

In Hong Kong I used to play polo for the civilians against the army teams belonging to the 414 Pack Transport Core (Mules), who were based at Lo Wu on the Hong Kong/Chinese border. Polo had many rules, which I never did get my head around. The pace was so fast I always seemed to be in the wrong end of the field of play, made even more difficult because teams had to change ends after every goal. Another rule which I found tricky was not being allowed to cross another rider’s path as they thundered towards the ball. Thirty miles an hour does not seem fast in a car, but travelling that speed on a small Borneo stallion can be quite scary, especially when these athletic little ponies could ‘stop on a sixpence’ as the saying went, leaving the rider to carry blissfully on over their heads.

“I heard the Colonel laugh, “Great shot, Ruby! Pity we’ve changed ends!””

Hitting the ball was not my particular forté. The one time I did mange a beautiful backward stroke and sent the ball rolling for miles I heard the Colonel laugh. “Great shot, Ruby! Pity we’ve changed ends!” So I was usually told to leave the ball to the others and glue myself to the best striker on the opposing team and prevent him getting anywhere near the ball. If I came off the field followed by an irate officer shouting abuse at me and pointing to the black stain on his beautiful white riding breeches I knew I had done well.

So, back to the offside rule. In one sentence, did you say? A player is in an offside position if he is nearer to the opponents’ goal line than the ball or the second last opponent, but only commits an offence in this position if he interferes with play when the ball touches one of his team. Quite simple, really.

Don’t know what all the fuss is about.