Tash Dhanraj can’t cook, will cook

I appear to have managed to master the art of cooking lately. This really is something quite spectacular as my past culinary career has been disastrous.

A few things had been in my way of my becoming a true genius in the kitchen, one being my lack of common sense and another being my utter absence of practical skills. The biggest problem, however, was my own stupidity.

If I didn’t have a crucial ingredient, I would assume that I could fix it by using something else. The most hideous of these was mayonnaise pancakes. I didn’t have any eggs but thought that as egg is the main ingredient of mayonnaise then I could use it as a substitute. Surprisingly, this did not work. This resulted in flour, sugar and some mildly out-of-date milk going straight in the bin.

Coming from a home where I grew up being desperately spoilt, I never felt the need to learn how to cook. If I ever uttered anything along the lines of: “Yeah, I’m not exactly hungry but I could probably eat,” then I would find a banquet laid out on the table within an hour. I always used to think that when I moved out I would have to live off noodles and bakewell tarts until I died of malnutrition.

“I thought I could use mayonnaise as a substitute for eggs in pancakes”

Something has changed recently though… I have realised that I can cook. I have expanded my repertoire from pasta with chopped tomatoes poured over it to cakes that rise, chicken that doesn’t give people salmonella, and even vegetables that don’t taste like the partially baked innards of a field mouse. My speciality is chicken teriyaki.

To be honest, the main thing that has changed is that I have started looking through my mum’s pristine collection of Nigella Lawson cook books. That woman is a goddess. I suppose my sudden surge in culinary ability isn’t so much to do with my talent, but rather my ability to follow instructions.

In fact, maybe I still can’t cook at all. Just because you explain to someone precisely which wire to cut and at what time, it doesn’t make them a bomb disposal expert. By the same token, being able to measure out the correct quantity of ingredients and stir them in the correct order, might not make me the Queen of Teriyaki. One more thing to add to the list of stuff I can’t do…