Matt ain’t slipping on no more banana skins

Breaking news! Matt Whistler says his goodbyes in true comedy fashion. And by this we don’t mean he was parading up and down a department store shouting “I’M FREE!”.

The local naked sledder, ‘Surfin’ Bird’ pop icon, who once lived in a green house for four weeks, among various other odd endeavours, has said his goodbyes to the comedy world.

Matt was strolling down Waterloo Street in Brighton, when a prize-winning full ripe melon flew from the top balcony of a maisonette apartment and brought Matt to the ground in an instant. In his slightly concussed state, Matt Whistler is reported to have said before being hoisted into the ambulance: “I feel like a right lemon.” A local witness said, “It all looked so red, mushy and visually fantastic.”

The gleaming fruit, escaped the hands of Jake Aplotment, who was receiving the inaugural prize for Brighton’s biggest melon. A Latest 7 spokeman said, “He always brought cheer to our office, although the biscuits seemed to go down very quickly. Matt often carried an ashtray in his left pocket, which was basically a plate with a hole in the middle.”