Brian Mitchell & Joseph Nixon’s thoroughly scurrilous Brighton column

What’s on TV?

GRINDERMAN ABOUT THE HOUSE (MONDAY 15 NOV, BBC1, 6.30PM)
New family sitcom in which the garage rock foursome share a flat. Episode 1: ‘Grind Over Matter’. The boys are late for a concert, and the Grindermobile’s got a flat tire. While Nick tries to fix it, Warren Ellis is mistaken for an Arabian prince and kidnapped by some unsavoury characters.

FILM 2010 WITH CLAUDIA WINKLEMAN (TUESDAY 16 NOV, BBC1, 10.45PM)
An in-depth interview with David Lynch, a look back at the oeuvre of Claude Chabrol, and a report from the set of the new Katherine Bigelow film. Three things you won’t be getting from this new revamped show, which instead will mainly consist of Claudia Winkleman exchanging make-up tips with Keira Knightley via Twitter.

RIVER COTTAGE CANNIBAL (WEDNESDAY 17 NOV, CHANNEL 4, 9PM)
Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall hunts down, kills, and cooks once-famous TV chefs in an astonishing example of social Darwinism. This week: Gary Rhodes a l’orange, Michael Barry Mexicane, and Jerk Ainsley Harriott.

ESPECIALLY SECRET MILLIONAIRE (WEDNESDAY 17 NOV, CH4, 9.30PM)
A very wealthy businessman spends a week undercover living amongst scenes of harrowing squalor and deprivation in a run-down sink estate, before returning to his plush mansion to enjoy his billions and a good chuckle, without once revealing his identity or donating any money.

THE UNIVERSE? WOW! (THURSDAY 18 NOV, BBC2, 8PM)
Stupid-faced, lanky mop-top D:ream indie-boy boffin Brian Sodding Cox over-simplifies physics for an audience of cretins in the incredibly condescending manner that seems to be de rigueur for the BBC these days when approaching any even vaguely demanding subject.

In&Out

“PRELUDES TO SEX THAT NOBODY ACTUALLY EVER SAYS IN REAL LIFE” EDITION

In
• Your place or mine?
• I’ll just slip into something more comfortable
• Let’s fool around
• Will you still respect me in the morning?
• Hows about it?

Out
• Would you like to come in for coffee?
• Be gentle with me
• Lie back and think of England
• Would you like to come upstairs and see my etchings?
• Get ’em off!

Logical Joke Corner

Prepare to bust your sides with our weekly helping of rational funnies

Q: What is the difference between a duck?
A: The question is not cognitively meaningful.

A: Knock knock.
B: Who’s there?
A: Doctor.
B: Doctor Who?
A: Doctor of Philosophy!
Q: Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?
A: Because it’s the jungle, where all such medicines, and indeed any of the ameitites we now consider essential for survival, are, at the very least, difficult to attain.