Brian Mitchell & Joseph Nixon’s thoroughly scurrilous Brighton column

WHAT’S NOT ON: Stage

Signifying Nothing: Hello< Hello< Goodbye
The feted physical theatre group present a show which turns out to be an idea nicked from a novel by Nabokov or Hermann Hesse or someone, as is always the case with physical theatre groups. Anyway, it’s business as usual – some over-emoting while two actors pretending to be businessmen discussing female circumcision or similar, and then a low, ‘comedy’ bit where another actor comes on doing a funny walk with a fez on and pretends to break wind, and you’re supposed to laugh. Then everybody runs about a bit while they play a Rolling Stones song. And there’s two hours of this. Oh well, never mind. At least one of the actresses is quite attractive, so you can stare at her and try and take your mind off the rest of it. And there’s a bit where she nearly gets her kit off.
Chaffinch Theatre. Monday 18 October, 8pm, £12/£10

Christwater: Beneath A Steel Sky
Who is Jojo? Where did he get that scar on his wrist? What lies behind the yellow door? Why are the men with purple armbands after him? Are they government agents, or something much, much worse? Could brain-damaged Cal have the answer? Or not? Why does this blurb consist entirely of rhetorical questions? Anybody? No? Did I leave the oven on?
Upstairs At The Four And Eleven. Wednesday 20 October, 8pm, £8/£6

Caruso On The Crapper
David G Renwick unveils number 18 of his projected 922-part play cycle concerning events in the life of the great Italian tenor. This play covers the incident in 1911 when the man with the orchid-lined voice ate some on-the-turn gnocchi and had to spend an hour and a half on the khazi. Buy a ticket to this show and get 50 per cent off next year’s Caruso Buys Some Biscuits.
Dell’Arte Theatre, Thursday 21 October, 8pm, £12/£10

The Bare Cheek nude celebrity challenge

Which Piper is Brian Mitchell imagining with no
clothes on in the photograph below? Send your answer on a
postcard to Bare Cheek c/o The Latest,
and you could win a signed photograph (of Brian Mitchell).

A Billie Piper
B Laurie Piper
C John Piper
D Myfanwy Piper
E The Pied Piper of Hamelin
F The Piper at The Gates of Dawn
G The Piper Alpha Disaster

Write your guess on a postcard and send to:
Unit 1, Level 5 North, New England House,
New England Street, Brighton, BN1 4GH.