Tasha Dhanraj realises the hazards of health

Since the beginning of 2012, I’ve been attempting to be healthier in what I’ve called “Tasha’s attempt to get fit by actually leaving the house every day”. I’ve been really going for it. I’ve cut out my daily Freddo Frog, I’ve cut back on my cheesecake intake and I’ve been walking and weight lifting all over the shop. I say weight lifting… I’m using the tiniest, scrawniest weights imaginable; it turns out that sitting at home and typing on a laptop all day does little to beef up your triceps.
While I’ve noticed the little changes, like the third tyre around my lower waist now more resembling a child’s rubber ring, the biggest change I’ve found is spots. I’m 18 and was lucky enough to barely have any spots at all when I was 14. What is my body doing to me? Blackheads, zits and other words that make me feel nauseous. They’re all there, like a who’s who of the facial bacterial world.
I’ve had impetigo and I felt less self conscious about that. At least with impetigo I could say: “I’ve got a chemical imbalance in my skin.” People would look at me with sympathy. With spots, all people think is that I probably did it to myself by eating deep fried Mars Bars and then rubbing my face up against a wet dog.
According to my health fanatic mother, it will just be all the toxins being released from my body as I’m getting healthier. What the hell? Clearly it is my body’s revenge.
It’s obvious to me now that the reason I’ve been so unfit for so long is because my body doesn’t like being healthy. Is this why exercise hurts so much? My body is clearly saying

“No Tasha! Don’t do it! Don’t you dare do one more squat! That was an order! Fine – two can play at this game! Enjoy your blackheads!”

All these years of shovelling Galaxy chocolate and deep fried potato by-products, while having my vegetables with a side order of lard has left my skin smooth and glowing… probably as a result of toxic radiation, but at least I looked good.
What now? Do I continue to exercise and be healthy while my face turns into a giant, red pimple? Am I going to wake up one morning with a boil on the side of my neck that grows so big that it starts talking to me? Absolutely not. The only solution is to stop everything, get fat and be beautiful. Shouldn’t be too hard…