Up the proverbial

We provide more proverbs and sayings for the 21st century

Beware the goat that smiles, the peacock that laughs, and the duck-billed platypus that touches you inappropriately.

Boney M and Milli Vanilli might not have been able to sing, but they still got on Top of The Pops; Dame Joan Sutherland sang beautifully but didn’t.

The man who has a hundred daughters still yearns for one son (if he’s crazy).

A castle built from sticklebricks is no defence against the meagrest enemy.

Button one, never done.
Button two, will undo.
Button three, c’est la vie.
Button four, ever more.

Dance like nobody is watching,
Remain on good terms with
your neighbours.
Always get your income tax returns in early.
Tip at 10 per cent.

A man can change his pants, a man can change his friends, a man can change his wife, but what he can never change is my pants.

The ocean makes no distinction between first and second class honours.

You can’t eat good wishes, but you can eat good dishes (N.B. By dishes we mean meals, not their receptacles.)
He who sets his alarm clock in the dark might well live to regret it.

HTV, Grampian, TVS and Yorkshire
are all as dust.
But it was On Digital that went bust.

If God drove a car,
Would He wear a seatbelt?

Eat your fill, lad, and drain your cup,
Kiss well your wife and daughter,
For whoever with the hangman would sup,
Has only bread and water.
(And a bit of jam if he’s lucky.)

The oak, the elm, and the beech
Don’t take any s*** from anyone.

Add new milk to old,
Never be told.
Add old milk to new,
Learn to make do.

Get ready to hold your sides for more rational funnies!
Doctor doctor, I keep getting a sharp pain in my eye whenever I drink a cup of coffee.”
“It may be Uveitis, caused by an allergy to caffeine, but it could possibly be a tumour. You should see a specialist immediately.”

What do cats eat for breakfast?
Cat food.

A rabbit hops into a butcher’s shop and says, “got any cabbages?” The butcher is torn between slaughtering the beast, exploiting its talent for speech for financial gain, and seeing a psychiatrist.

A policeman comes home from work unexpectedly one day and finds his wife in bed with three men. He immediately files for divorce.

Two nuns are having a bath.
Nun 1: Where’s the soap?
Nun 2: Over there, by the loofah.