Lynn Ruth Miller makes housework fun – not!

Whatever happened to dirt?

I take a shower every morning and wash my hair. I use a deodorant, rinse my mouth with Listerine after I brush my teeth and then scrub the sink with cleanser. I wipe down the shower with a good tile cleaner, shine the faucet and shower head. I use the toilet brush to clean the bowl each time I use it and add disinfectant to the water. I put on fresh underwear, clean my nails and disinfect the mat before I do my sit-ups. Before I start breakfast, I wipe down the counter with dish soap and a drop of ammonia. I clean the table with vinegar and polish the silver, set the table with a washed place mat and a fresh serviette. I wipe out the glass before I pour my orange juice and make sure my cup and plate have no spots before I slice my muffin with the knife I just sterilized. Before I butter the muffin, I wipe my hands with a disinfectant and wave them in the air to dry so the odor doesn’t spoil my appetite.

“I clean the table with vinegar and polish the silver, set the table with a washed place mat and a fresh serviette”

Whenever I cook, I pay close attention to the germs that might invade my meal and murder me before my time. If I make a salad, I wash each lettuce leaf carefully in a special edible soap, scour the carrots and potatoes with a soft brush, wash the peppers and tomatoes and wipe the cutting board with a solution approved by the American Medical Association. The water I drink has been filtered and treated for impurities.

When I am outside, I never pick up anything from the ground. I wear a mask just in case dust blows in my face. When I walk the dogs, I always pick up their droppings in a plastic bag guaranteed to be safe for me to carry in the pocket of my dry cleaned coat.

Before I enter a public restroom, I look up to Heaven for protection, open the door with rubber gloved hands and flush the toilet with the tip of my gloved finger, careful not to inhale the plethora of bacteria that pollute the air. I scrub my hands with my own extra strength disinfectant that I carry with me at all times. What with all the filth flying around these days, you can never be too careful.

Culture never lets us forget that dirt is a sin. Our commercials insist it is imperative that we clean everything we touch. They show us graphic pictures of what happens if we neglect our bodies. Our breath stinks, our armpits are nests of pungent odour, our teeth are fetid bacterial gardens and there is a virus lurking in every dust bunny on our floor.

We are warned to be vigilant lest some voracious bug infect our food, our cells or the air we breathe. We are told our mattresses are filled with vermin, our shrubbery is a death trap and the dirt under our fingernails carries every fatal disease known to man, not to mention a few new ones that crop up just to terrify us.

That is the American Way… or should I say, it was the American Way until now. Jeff Leach in The New York Times says, “Increasing evidence suggests that the alarming rise in allergic and auto-immune disorders during the past few decades is at least partly attributable to our lack of exposure to microorganisms that once covered our food, and us”.

Does he mean that all this cleanliness is making us sick? Is he saying I can just pull a carrot from my garden, grab a head of lettuce and a tomato and eat it? This is a beautiful revelation. My mother said everyone should eat a bushel of dirt before they die. It appears she was absolutely right… but I have to say, I would prefer mine barbecued in a good sauce with a bit of unprocessed hormone-free meat and a little home brew.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.
– Erma Bombeck

Make a mud pie
I’ve always said that every child has the right to make a good mud pie… but he shouldn’t eat it unless it is topped with filthy whipped cream.

Smell like Chanel
Americans are determined to look good, smell good and make money. It has made manufacturers of deodorants and perfumes rich and made the aroma of pine, rose, gardenia and musk seem a necessity. Coco Chanel warns: “A woman who does not wear perfume has no future”.

Make housework fun
Lydia Pinkham said: “Of course, our homes must be spic-and-span. That’s what homes are for. Everyone knows that when woodwork and curtains and porcelain and glass get dingy, home happiness, too, may become less bright. And we can no more get along without fresh towels and sheets, and spotless table linen than we can put up with dirty clothing or unwashed bodies.” She recommended a good dust rag for the vermin lurking behind the cupboards and to ensure home happiness she created a tonic with 18 per cent alcohol and a good dose of ethanol. She knew how to make housework fun.