Romesh Ranganathan on the downfall of Disney

I have been spending a lot of time watching Disney and Pixar films recently. This was inspired by a recent trip to the cinema to watch Brave, which is apparently the first of Pixar’s missteps. How people can say this when Cars and Cars 2 exist is beyond me. How the hell you can have a world where cars are like people, and their windscreens are eyes? What on earth is going on here? At one point in Cars, they tip over tractors in a farm like cows. WHY IS THERE A FARM? IF THE COWS ARE TRACTORS, WHAT VEHICLE WOULD THE FARMER BE? SURELY HE SHOULD JUST BE
A TRACTOR? AND WHAT FARM NEEDS A FIELD FULL OF TRACTORS? THERE IS NO LOGIC HERE.

The point is, I went to see Brave with the toddler. He found it frightening. There is a lot of scary bear stuff. When I was a kid, my mum took me to watch The Care Bears Movie. Most of you will not know the Care Bears.

Do you know anything more pathetic than two boys walking out of a cinema with Care Bears?

Care Bears were pathetic. When they had to sort out a problem, they would go “Care Bear Stare” and these lights would shoot out of their bellies; properly the worst thing ever created.

On the way out of the cinema my brother and I wanted to buy a Care Bear each from the cinema. My mum agreed we could get them, but they had run out, so they offered us alternative bears. Do you know anything more pathetic than two boys walking out of a cinema with Care Bears? Two boys walking out of the cinema with FAKE CARE BEARS, that’s what.

Anyway, I watched The Lion King with the boys. And what I realised was, my perspective on these films has completely changed now that I am a father. When I watched it as a kid, I was rooting for Simba, hoping that he could make his father happy, by avenging him. I watched it the other day and I’m thinking “YOU GOT YOUR FATHER KILLED MATE! WHY ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOUR PERVY UNCLE?” If I was Mufasa, I would appear in the stars to tell Simba he was a moron and I was ashamed of him.
Same thing happened when I watched Finding Nemo. This kid has been told repeatedly to stop pissing around and he goes and gets himself kidnapped. If I make the film it would have been Nemo tapping the speedboat, the diver scooping him up in the net, and then his dad just going “I told the little imbecile. ENJOY THE FISHTANK!”

And then Brave (SPOILER ALERT). This idiot turned her mum into a bear! And then they run around trying to undo something that this little moron started in the first place, and then because they manage to do it, everybody hugs and is happy. We’ve all learned something here haven’t we? DO NOT TURN YOUR MUM INTO A BEAR YOU FILTHY LITTLE INGRATE.

The way this girl does it is she gets a magic pie from a witch and then gives it to her mum. Everybody knows that you don’t actually eat stuff that kids have made. Theo turns up from nursery with cupcakes and stuff to give us. You think I am stupid enough to eat it? He’s probably played with his poo in the bath, and then picked some other kid’s nose. I’m not eating a cake with three different childrens’ mucus in it.

“Oh thank you Theo, that looks lovely. Why don’t you look over there while I throw this bacteria gift away.” Unbelievable.