Ask Saint Nick
Our favourite local celeb plays Santa Claus
Dear Saint Nick,
Please can I have a Baby Alive Bouncin’ Babbles Baby Doll?
Cathy, (Aged 8) Hove
SAINT NICK SAYS:
Strewth! Course you can.
Dear Saint Nick.
Please can I have a Skylanders Giants Dark Crypt Adventure Pack?
Robert, (Aged 9) Hollingdean
SAINT NICK SAYS:
Strewth! I dunno – I’ve no idea what that is, mate. Hang on I’ll go and look it up… blimey. In my day, Robert, we were content with a whip and top and perhaps a hula hoop if we were lucky. Nevertheless, if a Skylanders Giants Dark Crypt Adventure Pack is what you desire, a Skylanders Giants Dark Crypt Adventure Pack you shall have.
Dear Saint Nick,
Please may I have a Haynes Combustion Engine?
Ben, (Aged 7) Hanover
SAINT NICK SAYS:
Blimey! We’ve got a right one here. All right, Einstein, and I hope you enjoy it.
Dear Saint Nick,
Please can I have an iPad Mini white and silver 64GB?
Freya, (Aged 10) Portslade
SAINT NICK SAYS:
Why, of course, your majesty! Anything else you want – perhaps a Bentley, or a 400-room manor house, or a solid gold dunny seat? Kids these days, eh? Don’t know they’re bleedin’ born.
Dear Saint Nick,
Please can I have a DVD of the John Hillcoat movie Lawless, with music and screenplay by Nick Cave?
Nicola, (Aged 15) Coldean
SAINT NICK SAYS:
Strewth! I thought you’d never ask! I’ll even throw in a copy of my acclaimed 2008 album Dig Lazarus Dig, can’t say fairer than that. Right – I’m off for an eggnog and a Quality Street. Merry Christmas, ya drongos.
Saint Nick XXX
Edward De Bonehead’s Lateral Thinking Puzzles
NO. 8: THE SULTAN’S PARTY
The Sultan of Brunei decides to hold a lavish party, to which he invites 1,670 men, all called Jason, none of whom he has met before. Halfway through the party (which is going very well incidentally) the lights in the room suddenly go out, there is a bang, and a scream. When the lights come back on the Sultan lies dead on the carpet, with a gunshot wound in his temple. The police arrive and immediately arrest the caterer. How did they know she was the guilty party?
SOLUTION TO LAST WEEK’S PUZZLE
Wilberforce left the house by the front door, whereas Tomkins left by the back door. The house straddles the State Line between Nevada, where polygamy is illegal, and Utah, where it is positively encouraged.
SPECIAL “CHRISTMAS SPECIALS” EDITION
In
• Only Fools and Horses Christmas Special 1985
• Morecambe and Wise Christmas Special 1977
• A Charlie Brown Christmas – 1965
• Food and Drink Christmas Quiz 1989
• He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special – 1985
Out
• Only Fools and Horses’ Christmas Special 1986
• Terry and June Christmas Special 1982
• Noel’s House Party Christmas Edition 1993
• Royle Family Christmas Special 2010
• Doctor Who – Voyage of The Damned – 2007
