Romesh Ranganathan considers catching up with old ‘friends’

I recently received a text from an unknown number saying: “Hello mate, haven’t heard from you in ages, hope you’re well.” This presented me with a conundrum. I didn’t want to be rude and not reply, but I had no idea who this person was.

The more intelligent of you will be thinking: “Did you think of the radical strategy of asking who it was that sent you the text?”

Of course I did, I’m not an idiot. But often, because people are essentially walking egos, this can sometimes lead to offence.

I once replied to a similar text with: “Really sorry, new phone. Who is this?”, and after about a day I received a text saying “ It’s Mark, you p****, I can’t believe you haven’t got my number blah blah.” Now what Mark has done there is sent me a signal that I should immediately sever contact with him. Why on earth anyone would actively seek to spend time with someone as high maintenance as that is beyond me. I very nearly texted his wife to say: “Get your stuff together and leave. Mark is needier than a Labrador puppy.”

Anyway, the point is that I had received this text and didn’t know how to respond. I decided to reply in quite a non-committal way: “Thanks. How is everything with you?”

That was pretty much all I could say without blowing my cover. However, this proved to be an effective strategy as I soon received a reply: “Good mate, thanks, was just thinking about the Croydon office lot.” This narrowed things down. I worked with this person straight out of university. The problem, however, was that at this job, there were far more time thieves than interesting people, and so I became wary of encouraging further communication with someone who might end up wanting to hang out, when it would be far preferable for me to repeatedly smash myself in the face with an iron while watching ITV’s Splash.

I had to be careful. So I said: “ I don’t really think about them at all.” Here, I had played a blinder. If this person was one of them, then he would be offended and probably not reply, which would be a win. The reply came “Ha, yes I know, what a bunch of morons.” Result! Here was somebody I could definitely get on with. I immediately said: “Listen, I have no idea who you are as my phone is new and I have lost a lot of numbers. Sorry!”

This may have seemed risky, but the truth was, if this person decided not to reply, it was hardly the end of the world. I barely enjoy conversations with my friends, so losing the opportunity to have one with somebody I used to know is hardly a big deal. Nevertheless a reply came: “It’s Dan, mate,
no worries, that happens to me too. We should meet up.”

“I very nearly texted his wife to say: ‘Get your stuff together and leave’”

This threw up more issues. I don’t want to meet up. The truth is, who really ever wants to meet up with anyone they haven’t seen for a while? The conversations are always horrendous.

But I like Dan, he’s a good bloke, a good egg, a nice guy, a top lad, a ledge, whatever you want to call it. So perhaps I should meet up with him. My wife is always telling me that I am becoming increasingly anti social.

I reply to the text: “Yes mate, that would be great, let’s sort a time out.” This should be fun, I guess. He replies: “We’ll get some of the lads from Croydon out, only the good ones though.” I reply: “Yes, great, just let me know when and where, and if you want me to contact anyone.” To which he replied: “Oh, contact whoever you think mate. I trust your judgement. As long as you don’t ask Romesh.”