Andrew Kay: Three sheets…

On a recent visit to the doctor I found myself once again confused by how to rate my alcohol consumption. Aware that most doctors probably take the figure you give and triple it, I was determined that he should get an accurate idea of how much I drink, especially as he has a concern that the pain in my foot may be gout.

“I now have a bad Coke habit (Diet Coke that is) and to be frank no longer enjoy the sensation of being drunk”

The truth is, I am a binge drinker, or at least I can see no other way of describing it. Mr R and I seldom drink at home unless we have guests for dinner, and then we tend to drink fewer bottles of better wine, way less than I might have done in my younger days. Years of living out in sexy Saltdean also put an end to my beer guzzling as invariably
I would be driving. I now have a bad Coke habit, (Diet Coke that is) and to be frank no longer enjoy the sensation of being drunk.

As a consequence I am for sure a binge drinker, overindulging on an infrequent basis, often with my Food Fest friends, and then usually in Lucky Voice karaoke bar. The great thing about this is that at home we have a fine array of spirits, liqueurs and wines for when we do entertain. The drinks collection includes fabulously odd stuff too, some of which I have bought and some of which has arrived from marketing companies. There are nearly two full bottles of poteen which I doubt we will ever finish and a few other oddities that gather dust.

Today’s post brought a great selection of things for my perusal. I am loving the book The Beatles In Pictures, a great history of the band’s public and private lives. As a man of a certain age the pictures remind me of my youth and the huge impact these four men had globally. (Ammonite Press £7.95)

The largest parcel contained a wonderful garden Gnome, but no ordinary gnome, this one is a zombie gnome complete with blank eyes and blood soaked beard and hands. It’s a strange coincidence that this arrives as the RHS announces that they are lifting the ban on garden gnomes from the hallowed lawns of the Chelsea Flower Show. Mind you, watching the TV footage of that, there are moments when the crowds look a lot like the undead. (Zombie Gnome, £14.95 from www.prezzybox.com).

So back to my drinking habits and the final parcel which on opening contained two small samples of a drink called Amarula. Hold on a moment while I open one, and yes, I know it’s only 11.37am and the sun is some way off being over the yard arm.

Okay, I have it now in a glass. It’s a creamy liqueur that despite being rather innocuous in appearance seems to pack quite a punch. It’s fruity, creamy and – dare I say it – rather good, not as heavily cloying as other cream liqueurs, the fruitiness gives it a leaner finish. Hang on, just another quick glug… yes, I rather like this South African product and I can see from the notes that it makes good cocktails and even works as an added element in an Eton mess. I now have visions of Eton boys getting rather messy with cream liqueur. I know, I should never have taken the lid off, not on a Monday before noon. (Amarula, rrp £12.49 from major supermarkets.)

Now I can hardly turn the pages of my Beatles book and that gnome is staring blankly at me in a rather menacing fashion. I feel like I have deceived my doctor and that’s before I even start on this week’s list of booze fuelled events. On Thursday I am doing a recce at the Sussex Beer Festival where, on the following Saturday I am judging beers and ciders and on Sunday I expect I might need hospitalisation.
There’s no winning, is there? Now where did I put those paracetamol?