Bare cheek: Reasons to be cheerful

Let’s face it – times is hard, things look black, and the pale light of hope is guttering. Not guttering like you have on your roof – guttering the present participle of to gutter. Alright then – flickering. Anyway, we here at Bare Cheek, long known for our cheery demeanour and rosy outlook, are determined to make the good folk of this marvellous pretend city of ours look firmly on the bright side. So here’s our list of ten indisputable boons to help rally you round and gird up your loins.

1) You’re not dead yet.

2) Most of you reading this will not be in agony, or subject to terrifying auditory or visual hallucinations.

3) Probably, if you look into it, there were worse times to be alive. (Although, of course, they must have got better – eventually. Whereas maybe these won’t. Maybe these’ll actually get worse. So this one’s a bit 50/50.)

4) Newspapers are on their way out.

5) Comic Relief is only biennial.

6) There’s 25p off McVities’ Jamaica Ginger Cake in Iceland all this month.

7) People don’t go on about U2 as much as they used to.

8) In about twenty years’ time we’ll all be able to catch a very fast train to a small village somewhere between Derby and Leicester.

9) Carrie is on ITV2 this Friday night and it’s not been on for a while.

10) Curry and chips.

What would Jesus do?

A new feature in which His Grace, the Archbishop, helps to solve your ethical dilemmas.

Dear Archbishop,
Last week I picked up the new Argos catalogue. When I got home I realised my husband had also picked one up. Obviously we don’t need two, and now I’m worried we might have deprived someone else of one. Should we return one of the catalogues?
Mandy Pandrew, Hollingbury

Dear Mandy,
As it says in Deuteronomy 11:9 “take not two bottles into the shower lest thy brother be made dirty” so yes, I think that Our Lord Jesus Christ would definitely return one of the catalogues.

Dear Archbishop,
I recently won free tickets to next month’s cup final, but it’s on the same day as a work colleague’s 50th birthday party I’ve been invited to. I’ve already said I’ll go to the party, but I was thinking of pretending to be ill so I can go to the footy instead. What would Our Lord Jesus Christ do?
Mark Gardner, Patcham

Dear Mark,
I think it fairly obvious that Our Lord Jesus Christ would attend the party, perhaps donating the cup final tickets to the poor. It is certainly hard to imagine Our Saviour sitting in the stalls bold as brass, eating a pie, having lied to a colleague! Oh no, that’s not His style at all.

Dear Archbishop,
However I try I just can’t seem to get BBC2 on my telly with the Freeview box. I can get BBC1 fine, clear as day, and BBCs 3 and 4 as well, but for some reason BBC2 is just interference. What would Our Lord Jesus Christ do about this?
Terry Redmond, Peacehaven

Dear Terry,
Well, I don’t really think that’s an ethical dilemma to be honest, and I’m afraid you’re coming perilously close to making a mockery of Our Lord, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, and say that Our Lord Jesus Christ would probably unplug the Freeview Box, plug it in again, then, on the remote control press “TOOLS”, “RESET” and then click on “DEFAULT SETTINGS” and that would probably do the trick.

Dear Your Grace,
A mate offered me a dodgy DVD of Silver Linings Playbook. I know the wife would love it, but technically it’s stealing, isn’t it? What would Our Lord Jesus Christ do?
Barry Prescott, Hove

Dear Barry,
Well obviously in Jesus’ time they didn’t have DVDs. Or DVD players. Or the concept of intellectual property theft. But I think the lines in Proverbs 14:67, “thieve thee not lest thy eyes be turned to dust and thy teeth be strewn before thee”, still hold water today. Besides,it’s a rubbish film.

Please keep those dilemmas coming in!