Lynn Ruth Miller on the return of the ‘smother mother’

Oh my God! The ’50s style of mothering is back in style. You know the kind: “Mother always knew best – about everything”. Some fools with very short memories have been saying that what we need to do to erase children’s alienation from a judgmental society and indifferent parents is a good dose of overbearing, in-your-face mothering.

“They believe children need their egos pumped if they are to survive”

In this second millennium, mothers spend most of their waking hours driving the children from one lesson to another, going to their special events, helping them with their homework. They are omnipresent: cheering their little ones on, reminding them how perfect they are. They do this because they believe children need their egos pumped if they are to survive.

But they are wrong. I had a smother mother. She made all my decisions from the moment I got up in the morning (I was out of that bed at 8am or else) to the time I went to bed. (eleven o’clock – no exceptions!). She decided what I wore (that skirt shows your knees, for God’s sake) and what I ate (your complexion is disgusting – get your hand out of the cookie jar). She governed my ideas, bathed me in guilt (eat that and be grateful… we never had the luxury of creamed beans on toast) and decided my goals in life based on everything she never managed to achieve (If I had your advantages, I would have been a. an opera singer; b. a millionaire; c. happily married).

It was my mother who defined contentment (everything she didn’t have) and success (everything she hadn’t achieved) and I believed her. It wasn’t until I moved across the country and was forced to make my own decisions (a privilege denied me when I was under my mother’s thumb) that I realised she was trying to drag me into a world that didn’t exist. In my world, women could vote, run offices and order out. I learned it was all right to lose a race or not get a promotion. I realised women can be happy and fulfilled without a man to support her. I found out that saying no to a marriage proposal did not end my life. And now modern child psychology is telling us to bring back my mom’s style of parenting! The “good” mother today supervises her children’s play dates, and worries about what he eats.

She does her kid’s homework for him and yells at his teacher when he gets a bad grade. She checks his room to be sure there is no evidence of hanky-panky and his cell phone to see whom he is texting. Then she cannot understand why he leaves home at 14, steals things and joins a gang. I have a solution and I offer it to anyone with a smother mother. Answer their questions with a question. When mom says: “What did you do today?”, you ask, “What did you do?” When she says: “Did you eat a good lunch?” , you say, “Why are you eating all that starch?” If this tactic doesn’t work, I would try a pillow. I know how to do anything – I’m a mom. – Roseanne Barr