Vanessa Austin Locke: Brand: Feminism

I was in the supermarket the other day trying to pick a brand of feminism. I’d just put it in my basket when a woman came over and told me I’d picked the wrong brand… This brand made me look like a prostitute, it belittled men and women, and was offensive and manipulative. Her friend then came over and said she actually hated women who used this brand.

Well I wanted to cry right there in the feminism aisle, but I didn’t in case they said, ‘Ha! Told you that brand makes you manipulative’. I love it when people disagree with me because it offers me an opportunity to learn something new, and I love radicals who are able to deliver a decent argument without undermining their opinions with alienating militancy.

So, instead of sobbing like a girl I asked her to tell me what brand of feminism I should pick. I think she had some good points – it was a little hard to make out her explanation amidst what I now know to be righteous aggression – but I think I got the gist. She sent me away with three Hail Feminists, (“I must not take delight in my sexuality. I must not take delight in my sexuality. I must not take delight in my sexuality”) and off I went.

“Feminism should be about choice, and that means not criticising others’ brands of feminism”

There’s me thinking that phrases like ‘feminine wiles’, ‘manipulative’, ‘slapper’, etc were used by men to put women down and control perception of them, but actually proper feminists use them to educate bad feminists like me in their feminist manifestoes. All this time I understood that the whole point of emancipating women was to grant them choice and give them a voice, when what I actually need to do is shut my mouth.

I went home that evening and consulted an old friend, who summed up my awful brand of feminism beautifully when she said, “Sisters and brothers, you are all special people, and what feminism means to you is your own. Let’s stop sniping at those who find empowerment in a bit of flirtation to get their way (shock horror some men do it too), or women who find empowerment in being totally independent. What matters is ending rape culture, ending violence, slut-shaming, breaking glass ceilings and valuing the input of those women who choose to be stay at home mothers. Feminism should be about choice, and that means not criticising other’s brands of feminism because it doesn’t fit your own. You are no less a feminist if you choose to wear pink and don’t leave the house without make-up. Why should other women dictate our appearance and behaviours any more than men? Let’s value our differences, and concentrate on the big issues that unite us.”

Don’t worry, I’ve set her straight; being a real feminist actually means tearing your sisters down with classic misogynistic language that will hopefully shame them into silence. With that in mind I’d like to dedicate this as a note of appreciation to the woman in the feminism aisle, and her enlightened friend for educating me.

This week when I went to the supermarket I bought a new brand of feminism especially designed for wind-up merchant columnists for local rags. It claims to be able to repel people who don’t speak Tongue In Cheek.

Next week I’ll be talking to The Social Attraction Academy, and learning why women secretly want to be dominated…