Bare cheek: Fair, festival roundup

More East Sussex festivals and fairs…

SEVEN DIALS SUMMER FAYRE
Face-painting, drumming, a demonstration of martial arts by a fat bloke and several children, crepes, warm Holsten Pils at £4 a can, and a huge number of motorists complaining that the area has been pedestrianised for the day and they can’t get to Dyke Road.
July 17th

CHICHESTER ALTERNATIVE MUSIC FESTIVAL
Bands confirmed: Orphans, T.A.G.N.U.T., Wisdom of Crocodiles, Custard, Purity Brown, Jesus Wears Moccasins, Auschwitz Casino, Magnolia, Phil’s Paintbox, Stain, Angry Paul, Applebaum,
July 20th–23rd

UCKFIELD SUMMER FAIR
Coconut shy, bric a brac, cream seas, hog roast, Pimms stall that will have everyone rat-arsed by 12.30, hot dogs, a demonstration of the old country art of saddling that no one will be paying any attention to, and drumming.
July 25th

WITHDEAN LITERARY FESTIVAL
Appearances by crime novelist Jeffrey Taylor-Wood, fantasy writer Chris Hoy, and children’s author Stephanie Tripp (the Pixies of Billingtree Wood series.) Romance writer Rosie Reece will be explaining how to write a Mills & Boon in half an hour and Will Self will be using the words “uxorious”, “sesquipedalian”, and “jentacular.”
July 27th

In & Out

Special “Short-lived Double Acts” Edition

In
• Cheese ’n’ Onion
• Les Dennis and Dustin Gee
• Lenny and Jerry
• Topping and Butch
• Bronx Bunny and Teddy T

Out
• Bruce Forsyth
and Ronnie Corbett
• Noble and Silver
• Hudson and Pepperdine
• Pasquale and Walsh
• Mitchell and Mounfield

What we used to say

An occasional series in which we struggle to remember the original, simple, once common terms that have been abandoned in favour of overblown, managerial codswallop.

WHAT WE SAY NOW:
“Upskill”
Though sounding like wildlife flattened by a United Parcel Service van, this grotesque neologism has actually been developed by UK educationalists. Which fact would, in any right-thinking society, automatically disqualify them from the job.

WHAT WE USED TO SAY:
“Learn”, “Improve”.