Vanessa Austin Locke: What’s in a name?

I’m going to have to lower the tone this week because Katie Hopkins (yeah, I didn’t know who she was either) made a total burk of herself (again, it seems) on This Morning. I don’t want to give Hopkins the attention she’s gagging for, but the urge to drop-kick the old bag in print is too strong and professionalism meant that poor Holly Willoughby couldn’t say what she obviously wanted to say, so I’m going to do it for her.

Firstly if you haven’t seen the YouTube video, then watch it. From behind the sofa. It’s nine minutes of her wittering to an open-mouthed Phil Schofield and incredulous Holly Willoughby about why she judges her kids’ school friends by their names. She seemed particularly offended by the names Tyler and Charmaine. Cue Tyler and Charmaine thanking their lucky stars that they don’t have to go and munch carrot sticks with Petunia Dursley’s brats.

So firstly, the subject matter – yawn. Of course there’s a social divide around names. There always has been. That’s why we choose them.

We want them to represent our children and ourselves. A name is an ambassador that proclaims us.

There’s a great moment in Anne of Green Gables (my icon) where she’s pondering Shakespeare’s famous words: “That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet.” She muses that it just wouldn’t smell as sweet if it were called a thistle or a skunk cabbage. The girl’s got a point, and Hopkins is right when she observes that names can signify some things about a person. But that is absolutely the only concession I am willing to give the woman who actually said, on live television: “A name is a really efficient way of working out what class that child comes from” and, (the gruesome bit) “Do I want my children to play with them?”

“Of course there’s a social divide around names. There always has been. That’s why we choose them”

So it’s not about names at all, is it Katie? It’s about bigotry. Might as well make it about race, religion or gender, it carries the same connotations. Are we not over this? Didn’t you get the memo, you know, post World War II? Class isn’t what you’re born into any more, it’s how you choose to conduct yourself and I’m willing to bet that little Tyler’s mum has more class in her long, pink diamante-encrusted fingernail than Hopkins will ever have.

Unsurprisingly, the woman got seen off with very little effort from her opponent and the usually gentle presenters, with Schofield actually mouthing the B-word at her. The best bit though had to be when she said she hated geographical names like London and Brooklyn, before Schofield reminded her that her kid’s called India. I mean seriously, if she wants her kids to be around good influences she might consider having them adopted because that kind of attitude is an embarrassment to everything that this country’s people have worked so tirelessly to improve. It’s dangerous and downright unacceptable.

The basting continues on Twitter (it’s like having people in the stocks isn’t it?) with Caitlyn Moran tweeting: “Torn between wanting to continue ignoring Katie Hopkins, and finding out where she lives and running her over with a tank #thismorning.” To which she replied” “I don’t think you need a tank sweetie. Those thighs would do it.”

Clearly you can’t buy class, no matter which you aspire to. And if names really are reflective of our class and intelligence Katie, then I suggest you allow us all to benefit from the shortcut you speak of and change yours to Skunk Cabbage.