Bare cheek: Etiquette with Hetty Kwet

Dear Hetty,
My wife and I were overjoyed to hear of the birth of the new royal baby, Prince George Alexander Louis.

We would like to show our appreciation by sending a small gift to Buckingham Palace, but are unsure as to what we should send. Could you offer any assistance?
David Goering, Hove

Dear David,
Jolly well done! I am glad to see that someone in Brighton and Hove is a patriot. As to the gift, Buck House have issued a list of appropriate presents, which reads:

APPROPRIATE GIFTS TO CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF THE PRINCE OF CAMBRIDGE:

• Faberge Eggs
• Farley’s Rusks
• Nappies (Pampers not Huggies)
• Babygrows bearing the legend “WHO DA BOSS? I DA BOSS!”
• Gripe water (Harrods)
• Money

Hope this has been of help.
Hetty X

Wicked Chinese whispers

Which coconut elderflower panda grasped a keen fluorescent jockey several times park bench nettle crisps Friday night?

Which vinegar toe-rag turned certain sudden mawkish soup to powdery cheap ersatz Lucozade?

Who gave diodes and crimson joy faithfully in jelly undertaker’s pocket?

Which sucrose priest filled the everlasting cave of nibbles, tubbles, fibbles and scared deaf costermongers with peat and stilton wine?

Shhh! Apparently conkers plough a ghastly arrowroot Beaudelaire onto the raised minty Cleethorpes of hell!

Which liquorice parson glassed a thousand mothers avidly onto a sudden sickening plateau with seven trifles?

In & Out

In
• Whoops Baghdad!
• Sherbet Pips
• Feudalism
• Talking with your mouth full
• Glandular fever

Out
• On the Braden Beat
• Liquorice torpedos
• The Great Schism
• Cracking your knuckles
• Grippe

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