Bare cheek: First try lyrics

A fascinating insight into the creative process as we examine the original drafts of those famous songs that didn’t get it quite right first time

‘IT’S RAINING MEN’ – THE WEATHER GIRLS
‘Cos tonight, for the third time
Just about half past ten,
For the third time in history
It’s gonna start raining men

‘YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR HAT ON’ – TOM JONES (BY RANDY NEWMAN)
Go over there, turn on the light. No, all the lights.
Come back here, and put the kettle on. Ooh, baby, that’s right!
There’s some biscuits in the cupboard. Milk and two sugars, please. Ta.

Well – isn’t this nice!

‘FIVE LITTLE MONKEYS’ – TRADIT
Five little monkies jumping on the bed –
One fell off and bumped his head.
Mother called the doctor and the doctor said:
“Sorry, but I really can’t help you.
For all health matters concerning domestic or other animals,
I suggest you consult a veterinary surgeon.”

What Was That?

Can’t remember the name of a film, book, song or thing? Mike Hunter’s the man with the answers…

Dear Mike,
I have a recurring nightmare where I am pursued by this lumbering brute – a massive, barely-human creature, more dead than alive, with malign intent and a truly terrifying visage. Great scars criss-cross its ashen face, sunken eyes stare out lifeless from beneath the massy brow, and – this really puts the tin lid on it – a bolt runs through its neck. It seems as thought it has been assembled from the assorted odds and sods on a mortician’s table.

For years now I have been troubled by this image, but always fancied it the vile product of my own sickening subconscious. However, my psychoanalyst assures me it is more than likely something I saw in a film, book or magazine in my formative years. He feels certain that if I can trace the source of this vision I will overcome my fear and be cured. Please, please, please can you help?
Yours,
Dan Spedding, Portslade

Dear Dan,
The ‘Creature’ you describe does sound horribly familiar. Indeed, it is one of the iconic images of the 20th Century. How piquant that it should come to you in dreams, as it is in a dream that it first came to its author! For this is a tale that, over two centuries, has spread from the page to the stage, to the screen and finally to the collective unconscious. There cannot be a child anywhere in civilization who has not lost sleep because of those hooded eyes, those hollow cheeks. Indeed, you would be entitled to ‘Monster’ my reputation if I did not reveal at once that the work that gave birth to this repugnant vision was none other than ‘Lovejoy’ starring Ian McShane, based on the books of Jonathan Gash (real name Joh Grant), adapted for television by Ian La Frenais.
Keep those queries coming in!
Mike. X