Bare cheek: Hove factually

Five more facts you didn’t know about fantabulous Hove

1 Hove operates under an extremely complicated caste system that is incomprehensible to anyone not born within its borders. Among other things this system requires that no man with a moustache ride on a bus at the same time as another man with a moustache, and that those who hail from Altrington must, at all times, walk with their trousers around their ankles.

2 The Spandau Ballet 1983 hit ‘Gold’ was originally titled ‘Hove’, but the lyrics were changed after the ghost of Lord North appeared to lead singer Tony Hadley in a dream and told him he would never get into the top ten with a song about Hove.

3 Although George Street was pedestrianised in the late 1990s, due to an administrative oversight, it is perfectly legal to drive any of the cars featured in the cartoon series Whacky Races down it.

4 L.A. Law star Jimmy Smits has a scale model of Hove in the attic of his California home and shares his obsession with East Sussex Towns with fellow Hollywood actors Christian Slater (Wadhurst) and Danny Aiello (Pevensey.)

What we used to say

An occasional series in which we struggle to remember the original, simple, once common terms that have been abandoned in favour of overblown manager-speak.

WHAT WE SAY NOW:
“Come into contact with….”

A certain head teacher, in a recent press statement about the tragic death of a pupil, said “He will be remembered by everybody who came into contact with him.”

WHAT WE USED TO SAY:
“Meet”

5 The age of consent in Hove is 43.

In & Out

In
• Brylcreem
• Jennifer Beals
• The precise moment in time that people stopped saying “Nessles” and started saying “Ness-lay”
• Lord Haw Haw
• Odd socks

Out
• Willie Whitelaw
• The moonies
• Clogs
• The Pyramid Game
• Exercise books

Local joke corner

Get ready to hold your sides for yet more rational funnies!

Q: What do policemen put in their sandwiches?
A: A variety of fillings according to personal taste.

Q: How many nuns does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One – unless said nun belongs to an ascetic order that eschews dometic electricity.

Q: What do you get if you dial 666?
A: A pre-recorded voice informing you that the number is not recognised.
Patient: Doctor – I keep thinking I’m a pair of curtains.
Doctor: You are suffering from
a delusional disorder, which is a common form of psychosis, and require immediate psyciatric treatment.

Q: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A: St. Francis of Assissi.

A: Knock knock
B: Who’s there?
A: Ivor
B: Ivor who?
A: Your friend, Ivor.
B: Of course. Sorry – I didn’t recognise your voice, for some reason. Do come in!