Bare cheek: Ask Mike

Can’t remember the name of a book, song or film? Mike Hunter is the man with the answers…

Dear Mike,
Bit of an unusual request I’m afraid; I recently purchased a PC computer, my first such sojourn into the world of information technology. I am trying to get to grips with it, and would like to use it to “search” the internet for various web pages. I believe to do this I would have to use what is known as a “search engine.” Now, I know there is a very famous search engine, so famous that it is absolutely ubiquitous, and that its brand name is now used to mean “search” by many. I believe this search engine accounts for 97.5 of all internet traffic and that the company that created it has since diversified into advertising, maps, cloud computing, and tablet computers. Unfortunately I am unable to recall its name, though, irritatingly, it is on the tip of my tongue. Woogle? Boogle? No, sorry it’s gone. Please help, as there are some photographs of Miley Cyrus I would dearly like to look up.
Simon Helmet, Hove

Dear Simon,
I must confess I wasn’t sure myself what you were referring to, in fact I had to Google it (thanks Google!) which is how I can now reveal that the search engine you are looking for with such avidity is, of course, “Ask Jeeves”.

Keep those letters flooding in folks,

Mike X

What we used to say

An occasional series in which we struggle to remember the original, simple, once common terms that have been abandoned in favour of overblown managerialisms.

WHAT WE SAY NOW: “Vision”

Once the sole province of the divinely-inspired, these are now experienced by everyone and every institution, no matter how mundane. Local councils seem especially attached to it: ‘Our vision for the waste ground by the dog food factory….’

WHAT WE USED TO SAY: “Plan”

Corrections & clarifications

In Issue 639 the words “Michael Gove is a flasher” should have read “the later novels of Warwick Deeping are much prized in Albania.”

In 641 the words “Captain Caveman” should have read “Captain Cook.”

In Issue 636 the words: “Michael Gove is a flasher” were printed in error, and should have read “Cornflakes 10% off.”

In Issue 630 the words “filthy whore so utterly depraved and sunk in moral squalor she would make Gilles de Rais himself vomit in shame” should have read “well-respected member of the Royal Family”. Apologies.

In Issue 637 the line: “‘Synchronise your watches, gentlemen’, growled Commander von Storm, strapping the razor-edged blades to his arms and preparing to enter the Derby and Joan Club. He opened the letterbox and threw in a grenade before rubbing his nether regions, which were completely nude, against the rough wood of the door” should have read: “Take 350g caster sugar and add 250g of softened butter. Beat for two to three minutes and then add two eggs and 150g of plain flour before scraping into a greased baking tin and baking for 25 minutes on gas mark 12.”