Bare cheek: Brian Mitchell and Joseph Nixon’s thoroughly scurrilous Brighton column

Hove factually

More fun facts you didn’t know about fantabulous Hove
1 Everyone knows the famous superstition concerning the ravens of the Tower of London, but there is a lesser-known prophecy that states that if the charity shops ever leave George Street the entire city will fall into the sea.

2 In 1928 the Hove Park Café became the first establishment in Great Britain to offer customers salted caramel ice cream. Unfortunately this resulted in its being burned down by an angry mob shortly afterwards who claimed that the new flavour was “against nature” and “godless.”

3 Hove’s reputation as Brighton’s dowdier, more stodgy cousin would seem to be undeserved; a recent survey has revealed that it is the twerking capital of Europe.

4 Rave anthems recorded in Hove include 808 State’s ‘In Yer Face’, Urban Shakedown’s ‘Some Justice’, and SL2’s ‘Way In My Brain’.

5 Hove has issued several “fatwahs” over the ages, against those it views as being contemptuous of, or a danger to, its existence. Notable people who have had a fatwa issued against them include television presenter Henry Kelly, Dutch eurodance act 2 Unlimited, and fictional Happy Days character Ralph Malph.

WHAT’S ON

OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2013

EAST SUSSEX “TALES OF THE GOLD MONKEY” CONVENTION
Believe it or not this is the first ever British convention dedicated to the much-loved 1982 Raiders Of The Lost Ark rip-off. Featuring personal appearances by Stephen Collins (Jake Cutter), Caitlin O’Heaney (Sarah Stickney White), and the great great grandson of Dougie (Jack the Jack Russell terrier), a screening of “lost” episode ‘Down Amongst the Dead Men’, and lots and lots of middle-aged men of dubious personal hygiene with beards, bunches of keys jangling on their bels and an interest in real ale.
Brighton Centre, 28th October. Entry £10/£5

BRIGHTON BODY, MIND, AND SPIRIT FESTIVAL
Ayurvedic healing, osteopathy, colour therapy, reiki, homeopathy, herbalism, hypnotherapy, traditional Chinese medicine, guided imagery, acupuncture, and lots of other things that don’t work.
Metropole Hotel, 29th October. Entry £15/£10

OUR PRICE AT BRIGHTON MUSEUM
An exhibition devoted to the budget-priced independent record, tape, and CD chain which closed in 2004. With “Our Price” posters, displays, adverts, and a special taped interview with Our Price founder Gary Nesbitt. Special interactive feature: by wearing a special headset you can “virtually” sell a Brand New Heavies 12 inch single to a student in Wolverhampton 1987.
Brighton Museum, 30th October – 30th November

EMPSON!
A new musical based on the life and times of poet and literary critic William Empson, with music and lyrics by Mathilda’s Tim Minchin and book by Jennifer Saunders. Songs include ‘I’ve Got Seven Types of Ambiguity (Over You)’ and ‘Done With Donne’. Starring Michael Ball as William Empson and Gary Wilmot as George Orwell.
Theatre Royal, November 2nd–November 9th, 8PM £20/£15

TROUSERBOX MEN
The award-winning improv group present an hour-long show based entirely on suggestions made by
the audience, though strangely large chunks of it appear to be identical to the show they did last night at Chichester, and the one the night before that in Little Venice.
Dell’Arte Theatre 4th November, 8PM £12/£10