Barecheek: Brian Mitchell & Joseph Nixon’s thoroughly scurrilous Brighton column

Etiquette with Hetty Kwett

Our columnist solves your social behaviour problems in two shakes of a lamb’s tail

Dear Hetty,
My wife and I have recently been invited to a work colleague’s anniversary party. The dress code specified on the invitation is “smart-casual”. Neither myself nor my wife has the faintest idea what this might mean; can you perhaps elucidate, as neither my wife nor myself have any wish to embarrass ourselves.
Yours sincerely,
James Dalgleish, Hove

Dear Mr Dalgleish,
I’m afraid that, as far as I am concerned, the code you mention is entirely nonsensical; one is either smartly-dressed or one is casually-dressed, and never the twain shall meet. I can only imagine the work colleague who sent you this invitation is mentally unbalanced and I suggest you report him to your nearest lunatic asylum as soon as possible.
Hetty X

LOGICAL LIMERICKS

FROM THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT YOU ‘LOGICAL JOKES’

There once was a man from Stoke Poges
Who trained as a charted accountant.
He got married in 1970
To a colleague from work
And they both now live in Maidstone.

First try lyrics

A fascinating insight into
the creative process as we examine the original drafts of those fanous songs that didn’t get it quite right the first time:

‘YOU’RE SO VAIN’ – CARLY SIMON
‘You’re so perspicacious
I bet you think this song is
about you….’

‘GOLDFINGER’ – BARRY/NEWLEY/BRICUSSE
‘Goldfinger!
He’s the man,
The man with the golden gun…’

‘STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT’
– FRANK SINATRA
‘Boo de boo de boo
Ba boo de boo de
Boo de boo de boo
Ba boo de boo de…’

‘LAST CHRISTMAS’ – WHAM!
‘Last Christmas
I gave you my heart –
But the very next day
You gave it away.
This year
To save me from tears
I’ll give it to someone special.
That is, presuming
The person you gave it away to last Boxing Day
Has since returned it to me.’