Bare Cheek: Hove factually

Five things you never knew about fantabulous Hove

1 Stevie Wonder followed up his best-selling 1976 album Songs in the Key of Life with 1978’s rather less well-selling Songs in the Key of Hove, which included such tracks as ‘Blatchington Road Kinda Guy’ and ‘(Got a) Worcester Close Feeling’.

2. Since 1959 Hove has insisted upon its own board of film classification, which imposed over twenty minutes of cuts on both ‘Pete’s Dragon’ and ‘Spies Like Us’, but passed Passolini’s notorious ‘Salo’ completely uncut.

3. Ethnically speaking; Hove is, according to the 2011 census, 49 per cent Inuit.

4. If you request your steak ‘Hove style’ it will be served medium-rare, with a side order of apple pie.

5. Celebrities rumoured to have an ‘I Love Hove’ tattoo somewhere on their bodies include Foo Fighters’ frontman Dave Grohl, novelist Julian Barnes, and rapper and record producer Kanye West.

WHAT WAS THAT?

Can’t remember the name of a book, film, song or thing? Mike Hunter is the man with the answers.

Dear Mike,
My boy has just turned two and I want to make this 25th December really special for him.
When I was a kid, we were always told a story at this time of year about a jolly, fat old man with a big white beard, who wears a bright red suit with white fur trim, black boots and a shiny broad belt with a great brass buckle.
Every 24th December he drives a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer across the night sky. The sleigh is laden with a huge sack stuffed with presents for all the little boys and girls in the world, which this man delivers personally by climbing down into every house through its chimney.
I would love to tell this story to my boy so he might be as excited about this time of year as I was when I was his age. But I cannot, no matter what I do, remember the name of this possibly-mythical figure.
Perhaps I must have dreamt it all, or it was just a family tale, because whenever I mention it to people they stare at me blankly – or even back away. Please, please, please can you help?
Yours,
Rufus Hewitt, London Road

Dear Rufus,
Ho ho ho! Sorry to mock, but this is got to be the easiest question I’ve ever had to answer. Where’ve you been living all these years – the North Pole?! The man you describe is, of course, none other than that magical figure Matthew Parris, former Conservative MP, parliamentary sketch-writer, broadcaster and columnist for ‘The Times’.
Keep those letters flooding in!
Mike.

In
• Internet Explorer
• Cock fighting
• Petrol bombs
• Coffee Mate
• Whigfield

Out
• Village Idiocy
• John Smeaton
• Virtual Reality Sex
•Britvic 55
• Terrycloth

Follow me: @MitchellnNixon