Bare Cheek: Ask Saint Nick
Yes, Christmas is coming, and the goose is getting fat, so ask Nick Cave to leave a certain something in your stocking
Dear Saint Nick,
Please can I have a Skylander Swap Force Limited Edition Double Booster pack for Christmas? I want the Xbox 360 edition please.
Calum (Aged 10), Hove
SAINT NICK SAYS: Strewth! You know, in my day, young Calum we were pleased to get a whip and top, or perhaps a pair of roller skates if we were lucky. They didn’t have none of these double swaplanders around then. However, since you were polite enough to say “please” I shall grant your request. Enjoy your computer game.
Dear Saint Nick,
Please Please Please can I have a Monster High 13 Wishes Clawdeen Wolf for xmas? Thank you thank you thank you.
Madison (Aged 7), Portslade
SAINT NICK SAYS: Strewth! What do you want one of those horrible things for, love? It’ll give you nightmares. Are you sure you wouldn’t like a nice teddy bear instead? Oh very well, Madison, if a Clawdeen Wolf is what you desire, a Clawdeen Wolf is what you shall have. I don’t know, it’s no wonder there’s so much trouble in the world with all these traumatising toys about the place. Oh well, I’ll get off me soap box now – next request.
Dear Saint Nick,
I want a Furby Boom.
Jamie (Aged 9), Hangleton
SAINT NICK SAYS: Strewth! Looks like someone forgot the magic word, mate (and I don’t mean ‘abracadabra’)! I’ve a good mind to leave you nothing but a sack of coal on Cmas morning, and it’d serve you right too! However, since xmas is the season of goodwill to all men I shall grudgingly provide you with a bleeding Furby Boom, whatever one of those might be. But buck your ideas up, mate! Strewth! These xmas requests are just about destroying me faith in humanity.
Right! That’s enough for now; I’m off to put the tree up – and we all know how long that takes!
Nick x
In & Out
In
• The Burkiss Way
• Line dancing
• Varicose veins
• Deputy Dawg
• Yeast
Out
• The Jerry Springer Show
• Old Moore’s Almanac
• Soundgarden
•Drugs Czars
• Lint
Top-selling Christmas toys 2013
MY LITTLE BLEANEY (£11.99)
Based on the Philip Larkin poem, this fully-posable seven-inch figure comes with dressing gown, raincoat, packet of fags, and mug of cocoa. Sit My Little Bleaney down in his cold, cheerless lodging room (not included) or simply put his head in the oven (also not included.) Also available: Frinton Folk (£29.99)
ULTIMATE ULTIMATE LEGO (£1,000,000,00)
Create the universe and everything in it with this 22,000,000,000,000,000,000 piece set.
MOM, BUY ME THIS! (£15.99)
The latest thing from the USA, a small plastic block that wheedles, cajoles, and just plain orders your kids to buy yet more small plastic blocks, which in turn tell them to buy more until you go insane, bankrupt, or both. Available in pink (girls) and blue (boys.)
KILL ME ELMO (£17.99)
The delightful Sesame Street monster turns unexpectedly suicidal and pleads with you to end his sorry life in this best-selling-in-Sweden edition of the popular favourite.
