Bare cheek: What’s app-ening

The latest apps for your iPhone or Android device

CALL OF DUTY: WALMINGTON-ON-SEA £7.49
The latest incarnation of the classic first-person shoot-’em-up is set in the fictional “Dad’s Army” universe. Repel German invaders as Corporal “they don’t like it up ’em” Jones or Private “stupid boy” Pike, or play as a Nazi and interrogate the likes of Captain Mainwaring, Private Sponge, and the Vicar. Warning” contains scenes of murder, bad language, and testicle-torture of the Verger.

YOU’RE NO OSCAR WILDE 99p
This handy app analyses anything you say that is intended to be remotely witty or amusing, and instantly calculates (to an astonishingly-accurate 100th of a percentile) how much less amusing it is than anything said in the past by Oscar Wilde, George Bernard Shaw, or Dorothy Parker.

MOVIE DISAPPOINTMENT MATE £1.99
Fancy checking out a new film you know will be disappointing, but unsure whether or not it’ll be so disappointing you’ll feel like killing yourself and burning down the cinema? Movie mate will immediately tell you exactly how much of a mediocre, inadequate letdown the latest Ridley Scott sci-fi blockbuster or Peter Jackson Lord of the Rings adaptation is.

“I was going to go and see the latest in the “Fast and Furious” franchise, thinking that this would be only a mildly dispiriting experience that would put me in a slightly bad mood, but according to Movie Disappointment Mate it would actually, literally make me slash my wrists, so instead I used the money to get drunk. Thanks, Movie Disappointment Mate!
Steve, Hastings

DOOFUS £1.29
This new “next big thing” app from the United States takes a random photograph from your mobile, superimposes the faces of Three Stooges Larry, Curly, and Moe over the faces of the first three people on it, then sends it, along with a sexually-explicit threatening letter, to a random person in your address book for reasons that remain obscure.

BRUSH STROKES JUDGE, JURY, AND EXECUTIONER £2.99
Experience the thrill of trying and sentencing characters from the defunct demi-comedy (Jacko, Eric, Sandra, Lionel Bainbridge, and Elmo) for a variety of crimes, including arson, treason, aggravated assault, going equipped to commit burglary, and operating a HGV without a licence.

VIETNAM FLASHBACK-A-TRON £1.99
Ever wished you could have harrowing, post-traumatic flashbacks to the Battle of Dong Xoai or Operation Deckhouse Five? Well now you can! Korean, Gulf (I and II), Afghanistan, and Iraqi wars also available.

WIFE TRANSLATOR £1.49p
Hapless husbands everywhere, ever wondered why your missis appears to be inexplicably furious with you every hour of the day? Well wonder no more! The patented Wife Translator ™ will listen to what your “better half” says, extract the kernel of what she actually means, and relate the information directly to you.

“For the past six months my wife has been complaining about the squeaking gate in the back garden, even though it doesn’t actually squeak that loudly. Today I downloaded and consulted your Wife Translator; turns out she wants to move house. Thanks, Wife Translator!”
Barry, Horsham

CELEB DEATH GRIEF FOUNTAIN £1.29
Worried you will be unable to express an adequate amount of mourning on Facebook or Twitter upon hearing of the death of a famous sports star or Hollywood actor? Then you need the Grief Fountain! The Grief Fountain will dispense a random assortment of mawkish sentiments, being careful to include key words or expression like “R.I.P., “A LEGEND”, “SO SAD”, “GENIUS”, “WILL BE MISSED”, and “THERE’LL BE A NEW STAR IN
HEAVEN TONIGHT.”

TURD-OR-NOT £3.49
Is that brown object on the pavement in front of you a poo or simply a harmless wet autumn leaf? Not sure? Then you, my friend need Turd-or-not. This astonishing application can scan and identify faeces at ten feet, allowing you to adeptly leap out of the way of an oncoming Richard the Third or stamp down manfully on a glistening leaf. DON’T LIVE LIFE IN FEAR. BUY TURD-OR-NOT.

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