Made In Chelsea S7E2: “I’ve been really pissed off with this rumour mongering”

In the second of our Made In Chelsea columns, Andrew J Bullock brings you the weekly high & lowdowns

In the aftermath of his declaration of love for Binky, Alex takes her where all young lovers like to go of an afternoon: The Horniman Museum of boiled cats. Jamie and Spenny “bump into” a girl called Emma Miller. Spenny explains how he knows her. It’s the basic formula for being acquainted with someone in Chelsea. “I know X from when we were both holidaying on X’s yacht, but we’ve actually known each other for X years.” Emma is apparently a big deal. I mean, she has the personality of my bedroom curtains but okay.

Sophie, Mark-Francis and Victoria are in some sort of garden. Victoria says she’s going through a re-birth (this is part of her media training, she’s trying to establish herself as a newly nice person).

Binky and Alex have invited Lucy to dinner to set her up with Robbo, who looks like he’s straight from Dickensian times – a bit malnourished and bog-eyed. Lucy clearly finds him as interesting as a cottage cheese sandwich. She sighs in his face.

Boys’ night! Andy, Spenny and Jamie are each sitting with a token blonde. Andy’s blonde tries to speak a few times but is only really able to say “yeah, yeah”. Spenny’s one looks like Molly from The Saturdays. Spenny decides to text Alex.
…Alex gets Spenny’s text inviting him to join the boys. Alex says “why would I want to when I’m here with my beautiful girlfriend?” Robbo then says “get the violins out.” That doesn’t even make any sense! Lucy drags Binky away from the dinner table to explain that The Rumour is still circling Chelsea like a rabid vulture.

Back at the boys’ night, in walks Emma. Spenny dumps Molly from The Saturdays like radioactive waste, so he can talk to her. At the gym, Mark-Francis gives us his take on exercise attire, namely that he detests a round neck and will wear a “V” if needs be. Spenny takes Emma out for tea and the conversation has all the stimulation of Lake Windermere’s undercurrent. Lou-Wheeze phones up Spenny to invite him to her sad singles dinner party. Spenny then asks Emma to join him at said singles dinner party.

Fran reveals that she was nearly coaxed by the enticing fingers of Lady Temptation to look through Alex’s laptop and phone, in order to find out once and for all if he’s been unfaithful.

At the sad dinner party, Emma arrives and announces that Spenny is obsessed with her. Yeah, that’s why he hasn’t turned up to dinner yet, Emma. She is as interesting as the soggy bottom of a leaking carton of milk.

Cheska gets a text: “Babe, I need to tell you something about Alex.” Who is this text from? What do they know? Why are they calling Cheska “babe”?

Next week’s predictions: Victoria’s re-birth will progress to Phase 2 and she’ll do a charity sky dive; Cheska will get closer to the truth; the sad dinner party crew will start up a sad book club.
Andrew’s blog can be read at drewjbullock.wordpress.com
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