Made In Chelsea S7E4: Apparently Candy Kittens is still a thing

Alex is crying on a bridge, staring down at the cold, turbulent waters, thinking about how they are a metaphor of his infidelic ways. The next thing he knows, it’s morning, and he has woken up in his bed, blurry eyed. He must have had one of his blackouts. Binky is so miserable that she is fleeing the country.

Alex and Jamie meet in some weird religious pub. They sit beneath a giant crucifix. Alex is obviously turning to God in his time of need. God rejects you, Alex. He frowns ’pon thee, and judges thou. Wheeze and Spenny bump into Riley, who is the ex-GF of Sam. Spenny desires her, but I think that’s just a red herring in the introduction of Riley.

“Looks like his face has been smacked by a rowing oar”

Last week Spenny told Emma he wanted to be her BF on, like, their first date! Naturally the next step is to go on a second date and invite his ex-GF, Wheeze. She is all “I hope you don’t mind” and Emma is all “of course not, I love hanging out with you.” WHEN HAVE YOU EVER HUNG OUT WITH WHEEZE BEFORE NOW, EMMA, EXCEPT FOR AT THE SAD LONELY HEARTS DINNER PARTY WHERE YOU SPOKE 4 WORDS TO EACH OTHER AND WHEEZE RESENTED YOU BEING THERE!?

Sam and Riley are hanging out. They are the same height, which means Sam doesn’t have to stand on a box to kiss her, like he does with most women. He asks if he and Riley will ever get back together. She says “no”. He says “never say never”. She says “never”.

Lucy bumps into Alex outside Versace. He has just woken up from a blackout. Lucy calls him an expert liar and looks down her nose at him.

But he deserves it, the cheating vagabond.

Apparently Candy Kittens is still a thing, because Jamie is at work there. Lucy comes in. They have the most RIDICULOUS argument about Alex and Binky. How about you both stay out of it, you interfering gypsies.

Steph is back, and she’s shacked up in a hotel room with Erik, a model who looks like his face has been smacked with a rowing oar. Lucy comes by to visit. Steph admits that she has seen the light and now realises that Spenny was a BBB: A bargain basement boyfriend.

Proudlock’s got WHITE glasses on. Need I go on? At Rosie’s black tie event, Fran is wearing a diamond encrusted neck brace. Steph marches right up to Spenny and screams in his face. It’s all very tense and you can tell Steph has been damaged by the whole thing. So naturally, Erik does the sensible thing and invites Spenny, Wheeze, Emma and Lucy to Venice.

Alex pops round to talk to Binky. It’s all quite mortifying because basically Alex is saying that although he cheated, he isn’t going to fight for the relationship and would rather be off having more blackouts. Next week’s predictions: Binky’s self-worth will slide lower; Alex will be running an errand to the nearest post-office, blackout, and wake up on a ferry to Iceland; Venice will be awkwardddddd!

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