Made In Chelsea S7E5: “Yeah, I love it Fatima, thank you so much!”

Andrew J Bullock brings you the weekly high & lowdowns from Made In Chelsea

Everyone’s in Venice! It’s all going down! Steph is cross with Erik for inviting Spenny; Spenny would rather take a romantic gondola ride with Jamie than Emma; Wheeze is most probably wondering what the hell she’s doing there; and there’s a deformed dwarf running around in a red raincoat stabbing people. Binks has been in bed for days. Jane is there, desperately repressing the motherly urge to wash her bed sheets, which are soiled with her daughter’s tears.

The boys are playing golf and Sam is pretending that the golf ball is Stevie’s face. They throw some “Big Chat” around, and Sam calls Stevie “No Threat Stevie”. Big chat indeed from such a small, small boy. Then Riley texts Stevie asking him out. More like “So Threat Stevie”.

Victoria and Sophie are sitting in a pair of strange exercise Jacuzzis. It’s a pointless scene really, but who cares – we’re just happy to watch these fabulous girls surrounded by decadent bubbles and loving life.

“The giant rose attached to her dress is weighing down her responsive synapses”

On Stevie and Riley’s coffee date we learn that they are lying to us. They’re actually drinking … tea! Bitter Sam, however, has been on a bitter shopping trip to bitter Liberty and bumps into these two. Did I mention he is bitter? He accidentally calls Riley a man by stating that “tea is a masculine drink”. Sam’s self respect can then be spotted frolicking in the bushes, naked.

Back in Venice, Steph is all “Why are you here?” to Emma. Emma tries to answer, but the giant rose attached to her dress is weighing down her responsive synapses. Erik makes it quite clear that he finds Spenny disgusting. We like Erik this week; he’s looking less boat-faced. Later, Spenny gets Steph alone. She tells him she would rather kiss a urine stained floor than kiss him (I added the “urine stained” bit). But alas, Spenny has bought her a Prada handbag! The only thing that Steph can possibly do now is shag him.

Riley has one of these taps in her house that pours out boiling water. It means you don’t need to boil the kettle.
News has hit Venice that Steph and Spenny hooked up. Lucy is ashamed of Steph, and if it hadn’t been for Mark Francis totally coincidentally passing by I think Lucy would have spat in Steph’s face. Emma has a go at Steph and says “I’m not staying here anymore”, which would have more effect if it wasn’t their last night; none of them are staying there anymore. Alex texts Binky and asks to see her. And she texts back the two letters that we are all dreading: “M” “Q”! Jokes, it is actually: “O” “K”.

Next week’s predictions: Stevie gives Riley some of his banana (cake); Binky will allow herself to be sucked back into Alex’s vortex of deceit, only for yet another Rumour to crop up. Next week’s episode is called “Return of the Rumour”, which is a bit like “Return of the Jedi” but with the word “Rumour” in it instead.
Andrew’s blog can be read at drewjbullock.wordpress.com