Bare cheek: All the goss

The news from Hollywood

Shock news! Spunky Hollywood favourite Sandra Bullock has been revealed to be a computer-generated sprite created by mogul Harvey Weinstein. “I guess the truth was bound to come out sooner or later,” chuckled Weinstein from the swimming pool beside his enormous solid gold house, “especially after that bit at the Oscars where there was a glitch and she suddenly started vomiting small kitchen appliances. But she’s a great kid and I’m sure she’ll go on to make many more great movies.” Other actors recently revealed to be computer-generated include Ryan Reynolds, James McAvoy and Charles Grodin.

World War II film The Monuments Men is to be remade, despite having been released only three months ago. “It was a great movie for its time,” said producer/director J.J. Abrams, “that time being slightly earlier in the year than now, but I think the audiences of June and July of this year require something a bit more sophisticated, hence the reboot.” Rumours of another reboot of this reboot to be scheduled for November of this year have yet to be confirmed.

Mike Leigh is the surprise announcement for director of the new Bourne thriller The Bourne Investigation. The 83-year-old Londoner, who is better-known for his bleak, semi-improvised character pieces, is said to be “thrilled” to be involved. The film is due to be released in 2016 and the cast will include Matt Damon, Brenda Blethyn, Sting, Paddy Considine, Lee Majors, Ricky Gervais and John Lithgow as “Uncle Barry”.

The new hit craze sweeping Hollywood is… Manichaeism, the dualistic gnostic religion that holds an absolute view of good and evil. Adherents include Gwyneth Paltrow, Billy Bob Thornton, Chevy Chase, Bradley Cooper and Tim Allen.

Brian Levant (of Jingle All The Way fame) is set to direct the first ever sex-free pornographic film. The currently untitled movie, on which cameras will start to roll in August, will be filmed in Los Angeles. “It’s for people who like the dialogue and acting of a porn movie, but are put off by the endless sexual intercourse,” said executive producer Steven Spielberg shortly before boarding a helicopter made of diamonds.

Edward De Bonehead’s

NO. 69: THE MAESTRO
The maestro sits down at his grand piano and begins playing. The music he produces is beautiful beyond description and has his audience in raptures. However, as he plays the last note, his trousers fall down, the front of his shirt rolls up like a Venetian blind, his wig flies off revealing a bald pate, and he is shot dead by a bullet from a high-velocity rifle wielded by a woman sitting in row F. Why?

SOLUTION TO LAST WEEK’S PROBLEM
Plimpton couldn’t possibly have known that Jacobson wasn’t at the ballet that night, because he (Plimpton) is merely a character in a novel being read by Jacobson’s wife.

In & Out

In
• Hear’Say
• Polo holes
• Three men and a Little Lady
• Referring to Jill Dando as “Jan Dildo.”

Out
• Cobblestones
• The Macarena
• Father Dear Father
• Bertie Bassett
• Joanne Guest

Five reasons to see the opinion makers at the ropetackle

It may have come to your attention that we here at Bare Cheek are not above promoting our own shows on this our purportedly impartial column (seemingly otherwise unconnected with showbiz), thereby breaching long-established journalistic protocol and shattering the bonds of professional integrity. And this week is no different.

So here they are – our five reasons why you should see The Opinion Makers at The Ropetackle Arts Centre, Shoreham-by-Sea, Thursday 5 June, 8pm, as part of the splendid Adur Festival:

1) It won a much-coveted Argus Angel for artistic excellence in Brighton Festival 2014
2) It received rave reviews, with Fringe Review calling it a “Surefire hit” and Broadway Baby describing it as “one of the most pleasurable evenings in the theatre for a long time.” Why, this very organ, Latest 7 magazine, praised it for “Great gags” which “push the limits of comedy and music not seen since Python’s heyday.” And if they don’t know, who does?
3) It’s your very last chance to see it in this area.
4) It’s a bargain at £10. And for that money you get to see David Mounfield in a kilt.
5) If you don’t, we won’t come to see your show when it’s on – alright?

See ropetacklecentre.co.uk for more details. Box Office: 01273 464440