Made In Chelsea S7E7: “She re-lived the moment she died, drowning, as a sailor, in the Middle Ages”

It’s Wheeze’s birthday! She is TWENTY FOUR! She wishes she was nineteen! Don’t be so ungrateful Wheeze, it could be worse, you could be TWENTY FIVE! Binky is cross with Spenny for advocating Alex’s adulterous lifestyle. Cheska and Fran are cross with Alex for HAVING an adulterous lifestyle. Cheska tells it like it is: “this relationship is doomed.” Binky then turns to Alex and says “no it’s not, as long as you cheated just the FOUR times.” Have you ever heard such a depressing sentence?

Sam is basically a Chelsea Try Hard – a CTH. He is desperately clawing for a storyline but he’s too small to really achieve one. Jamie says something cryptic about Alex to Lucy. Her ears shoot up like a shark’s (if a shark had ears) sensing chum in the water. There’s something Jamie isn’t telling her.

“Have you ever heard such a depressing sentence?”

WHAT. IS. IT. Mark-Francis is going to have regression therapy: that thing you do when you are taken back in time and you find out that you were a 17th century scullery maid in 1698. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if he found out that he was Bampfylde Moore Carew in a past life?

Sam has invited a couple of token blondes to lunch with him and Spenny. Cue two leggy blondes, in corresponding pastel coloured jeans, strutting down the street like a couple of total bitches. On arrival at the restaurant we learn that the bearable one is called Christiana and the horrendous one is called Toff (which increases her horrendousness by a further 57%.) It transpires that Spenny once shagged Christiana. Toff keeps sticking her tongue up toward her top lip. It’s very awkward. Binky and Lucy meet up so that Binky can shout at Lucy. She actually uses the phrase: “I won’t be giving Alex a third chance” which is nearly as tragic as “as long as you cheated just the FOUR times.”

At Stevie’s birthday party there is a cake with Stevie’s face on it as a child. I HOPE it’s Stevie’s face, otherwise that’s a creepy-ass cake. Toff’s at the party and drops the bomb that Spenny hooked up with Christiana the other night. Sam is so upset that he throws a drink in Spenny’s face. Just when we thought Alex had only cheated on Binky with FOUR other girls, Jamie reveals he has actually done it with ONE HUNDRED AND FOUR at a mass orgy with Spenny and Hugh Hefner.

Meanwhile, Binky and Spenny have made friends and Spenny suggests they have a three-way with Alex. Two minutes ago we would’ve thought he was kidding, but not now that we know he and Alex are dirty sex orgy partners. Lucy and Wheeze come to deliver the news that Alex’s cheating blackouts have now been eclipsed with a gang-bang. Binky has HAD it and slaps him, whilst Wheeze and Lucy watch on with relish.

Next week’s predictions: according to the previews, Stevie kisses Steph! I can only hunker down and pray for daylight.

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