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The English language is known for its many different pronunciations, so if you don’t know how to pronounce a word
ask professional linguist
Dr. Hardcastle Letwin.

Dear Dr. Letwin,
All my life I have pronounced the fizzy sweetmeat sherbet “shur-burt”, but was recently corrected at a party by a friend’s wife who claimed the correct pronunciation is “sher-but.” Is she correct? I’m afraid the discussion about the pronunciation became rather heated and I pushed her face-forward into some salmon mousse before breaking a window and being ejected from the party, so I’d really like to know the truth, as it would make me feel better about losing my job and my forthcoming court appearance.
Andrew Dogg-Deputy, Hove

Dear Andrew,
I’m afraid you are both wrong; the correct pronunciation is “shi-but.”
Dr. H. Letwin

Dear Dr. Letwin,
I was recently arrested for armed robbery and common assault. When the policeman in charge said, “you are not obliged to say anything but anything you do say may be used against you in a court of law…” he pronounced “obliged” with a hard G.
I was raised to pronounce it with a soft G, and I’m convinced that, due to the mispronunciation, my arrest is null and void and I should be released forthwith.
Prisoner 88975
Block B
Lewes Prison

Dear 88975,
I am not an expert on legal matters, but the officer in question was certainly incorrect in his pronunciation. Were mispronunciation a crime (as I believe it should be) it would be the officer who would be languishing in gaol rather than your good self.
Dr. H. Letwin

Dear Dr. Letwin,
During a recent discussion with my brother-in law about pronunciation and mispronunciation I (in the heat of the moment) mispronounced a word myself. Ironically enough, the word I mispronounced was “mispronounced.” What are the odds? Should I kill myself?
Elspeth Moffett, Hanover

Dear Elspeth,
Yes. You should kill yourself.
Dr. H. Letwin.

Do you say “aww-re” instead of “uh-rye” or “off-ten” instead of “off-en”? You blithering idiot. Write to Dr. Letwin c/o Latest 7 magazine.

Edward De Bonehead’s lateral thinking puzzles

NO. 43: THE EGG AND CRESS SANDWICH
At precisely 8.14pm a man called de Bargos eats an egg and cress sandwich for his breakfast. Thirty seconds later he is shot dead by an assassin with a long-range, laser-sighted rifle. At precisely 1.32pm a man called Mendoza eats an egg and cress sandwich for his lunch. Thirty seconds later he is shot dead by an assassin with a long-range, laser-sighted rifle. At precisely 6.45pm a man called O’Shaughnessy eats an egg and cress sandwich for his dinner. Thirty seconds later he wins the Nobel prize for literature. Why?

SOLUTION TO LAST WEEK’S PROBLEM
Lundquist and Perriweather are toadstools.

HOVE FACTUALLY

Five facts you never knew about fantabulous Hove.

1) Retailer Stanlee – Luggage and Accessories Ltd of 126 Church Road, Hove, so far as we understand, enjoys no connection to Stan Lee, the renowned writer for Marvel Comics.

2) Hove has its own anthem, composed by Slipknot, which was immediately withdrawn from use at all public occasions.

3) “H.O.V.E.” is Paul Daniel’s preferred mnemonic for “Ham, Onions, Viscount biscuits and Electric (put money on the)” that he uses when he needs those particular items from the shops.

4) Thomas Mann’s classic novella “Tod in Venedig” was originally titled “Tod in Hove” and detailed writer Gustav von Aschenbach’s forbidden obsession with one Wilf Antrobus, 68, a retired gas-fitter from Hangleton.

5) BHASVIC, the acronym of Brighton, Hove and Sussex VI Form College, is actually an ancient Sanskrit word meaning “Futility”.