Made In Chelsea S7E10: Maybe somebody will be ordering the beer-battered fish and chips after all

The boys are in the park, having a BBQ, flopping their meat about. Alex is banned from drinking unless he is under the supervision of Binky, on account of his inability to stay faithful on the sauce. We learn that Riley and Jamie have sexed. Just imagine what their little blonde children are going to look like. Riley has asked Lucy to meet her so they can clear the air about Jamie. WHY? Lucy leaves and bumps into Jamie on the street, where he basically tells her that he would much rather mount Lucy than Riley.

Edo and Fordy are on their way back from the boys’ BBQ. Wheeze comes round the corner wearing a choker as if she is starring in Hedda Gabler. She flirts with Fordy. They talk about how she cooks small chickens. This flirtation is as damp as the half-hearted rain that is lethargically dripping from the sodden grey clouds above.

Cheska and Fran are in the same bar as Mark Francis and Victoria. Victoria looks Cheska up and down as if she is a stack of dirty mattresses. Fran tells Cheska that she fancies Fordy. “Don’t be afraid to go there,” advises Cheska. “I’m never afraid to go there,” says Fran. You absolute trollop, Fran!

Riley’s in her indoor swimming pool! And she has a housekeeper! She is filthy rich! This is the filthiest, richest house we have seen on MIC. It makes the rest of the cast look as though they live in flats above Coral betting shops off Hounslow high street. Wheeze and Sam are playing Trivial Pursuit. They start talking about Wheeze’s love life and how she’s had a dry patch lately. Then Binky and Alex come in. They’ve been arguing again. Binky cries. Sam tries to instigate Trivial Pursuit, because we all know that a board game is the remedy to a betrayal-tainted relationship.

Sophie, Binky, Mark Francis and Victoria are strolling around a maze, fingering the bushes as they go. But everywhere Binky looks, she is reminded of Alex – in the plants, the stone pillars, the topiary shaped like a Greek orgy. Sophie says “Cheska got all Inspector Gadget on your ass” which doesn’t make sense really, but who cares!

Wheeze is hosting tea for Lucy and Cheska. Lucy starts crying because she doesn’t like lapsang souchong (and because Binky is ignoring her). Stevie informs Riley that Jamie has secretly been telling Lucy that he still loves her.

Oh Stevie, you’ve become a right old b*tch, but we love it.

Hollywood party: Fordy comes over to Wheeze and Fran and tells Fran to get lost because she’s a third wheel.Toff Time! She’s there, she’s looking like a young Goldie Hawn and her hair is less big than usual. Jamie’s talking to Lucy. Riley comes over and tells Lucy that Jamie called her a b*tch. Jamie is left at the bar alone, small and blonde. Cheska breaks up with Binky as a friend, and a thousand stone angels start to weep on the rooftops of the King’s Road.

Next week’s predictions: From the previews, Lucy appears to sleep with Jamie, so I predict that I will unfollow her from Twitter in protest (as if I would).

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