Made In Chelsea S7E11: “I think she’s currently being bent over the billiard table”
Wheeze and Fordy have managed to somehow make their dull storyline about cooking for each other seep over into this week’s episode. It transpires that these two are cooking for each other on the same night! So he’s going to bring his dish round in some luke-warm Tupperware for her to heat up in the microwave. Oh just shag, forget all this cooking foreplay claptrap! Lucy and Riley are hanging out. Riley is wearing a fur. That’s because she has a house with a pool and a boiled water tap and an immigrant maid in it. There is a giant elephant sat at the table with them.
The elephant’s name is “Lucy-sacked-Riley-because-she-was-bitter-and-still-hasn’t-given-her-her-job-back”.
Binky’s looking as if she has turned to the drink. Alex has a full-on beard these days and it doesn’t suit him. Spenny calls Alex to try to coax him out for a drink. Alex, you shan’t touch the sweet nectar of sin, lest you cheat on Binky for a seventeenth time.
At the dullest date in the history of Love, Wheeze and Fordy are sitting there staring at a couple of cloches.
The cloches are lifted to reveal that they’ve both made pathetic rice dishes with a bit of floppy fish thrown in for good measure. It’s a despicable effort and somewhere in the ether, Mary Berry is screaming into a pillow.
Jane is trying to console Binky. But instead, Binky shouts in her mother’s face. Tsk tsk Binky. NO ONE talks to Jane F in that tone. Not on my watch, girlfriend. Jane then calls Alex a “tit”, which I suppose is a step up from “gimp”.
Weekend away: they seem to be at Downton Abbey. Everyone’s on the lawn, frolicking. Everyone but Binky and Alex. Binky is standing at the bedroom window, looking down from the east wing like a 17th-century spinster ghost.
Toff’s Ahoy! She’s back, she’s dressed like Maria Sharapova and she’s knocking balls about on the tennis court. She’s grotesquely under-used. Toff, pounce on Stevie now that Steph’s left the country. You need a storyline. Go for it girl!
Rosie is dressed as if she’s at a pre-war garden party. Wheeze and Fordy kiss in the billiard room, with the lead piping.
“Alex has a full-on beard”
Spenny tells Alex that the entire group think that he and Binky need to break up, like, yesterday. He’s all “it’s not our place to tell you to break up, but I suggest you do.” The next morning, it transpires that Jamie and Lucy shared a bed and that Jamie was naked at the time but that Lucy did not touch him perversely.
Alex announces that it’s time to end all the bitching. Oh sweet Moses, he’s going to do a speech to the whole group, like Hitler addressing the Hitler Youth. But then it all happens really quickly, is really badly edited, half of the lines are inaudible and nothing massively dramatic really happens. Alex and Binky walk off and there’s a voice-over that Binky obviously went back and recorded in a studio so they could tack it onto the end of the episode where she says: “That’s the end of it, I’m done.”
I at least expected Toff to be lowered from the sky wearing a fairy outfit, sprinkling glitter onto everyone’s heads, waving a wand and doing the cancan mid-air.
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