Andrew Bullock on Celebrity MasterChef: No one likes a soggy banana
If you can’t stand the heat … Andrew J Bullock’s sardonic telly rant sets up camp in the Celebrity MasterChef kitchen
You will be used to reading, in this column, my weekly critique of E4’s Made In Chelsea. Devastatingly, the show has ended its current season. But for those of you who don’t watch the show and have found yourselves squinting at my words, trying to decipher what a ‘Wheeze’ and a ‘Cheska’ is, I’m going to write about something else for a while now.
I’m a big fan of eating food, whilst watching TV programmes about food. Bit weird? Maybe. I think it’s because my dinner normally consists of a tasteless sandwich made with gluten-free pitta bread and a slab of salty meat. I think that watching people in glossy studio kitchens as they prepare something tantalising to my saliva glands is a way of tricking my mind into thinking I am eating something that doesn’t taste like a stiff, shammy leather.
“Susannah looked on in horror at the prospect of squashed banana with broken biscuits”
Therefore I could be found, a few weeks ago, watching MasterChef with relish (not pickle). Even though these people are novices, they can bloody well cook … the same can’t necessarily be said of those in the current season of Celebrity MasterChef. I watch this show not so much to help me digest my shammy leather bread, but for the same reason we all love to watch Celebrity Big Brother. Who doesn’t want to see Lee from Blue’s reputation become totally besmeared thanks to his misogynistic treatment of a pair of trans-atlantic glamour models? It’s the same reason we tune into I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, and Celebrity Wife Swap. In fact, anything with ‘Celebrity’ in the title – Celebrity Fat Face, Celebrity Home-Wrecker, Celebrity Bitch Fight, whatever! The reason these shows exist is because we’d rather see a load of well-known faces embarrass themselves in some way, because we don’t really care about people who are ‘normal’. Plus, the celebs are camera-savvy so know how to turn up the drama.
Taking Celebrity MasterChef as a case in point: so far this season we have witnessed the likes of Russell Grant, Amanda Burton and JB Gill undercooking venison, mass-producing meatballs and unable to identify a sea urchin. Last week, when asked to produce a prawn cocktail, 3/4 of the celebrities decided that rather than boil their crustaceans they would fry them in balsamic vinegar. By far the most entertaining kitchen farce of the season so far was the week before, when Susannah Constantine and Jodie Kidd decided to make a dessert for about 100 people with baked bananas and a bit of soggy toffee drizzled across the top. Trying to jazz the dish up, Jodie suggested crumbling digestive biscuits over the top of it, as Susannah looked on in horror at the prospect of delivering a load of squashed banana with broken biscuits scattered on top as an actual dish. Watching this conundrum unfolding certainly didn’t distract me from my shammy leather, but it was damn hilarious.
Another highlight was watch Reg Holdsworth from Coronation Street literally not give an utter damn about being in the competition, positively snarling at the camera when it was shoved in his face, and being clearly quite relieved when he was ejected from the competition. TV gold.
This week’s got a Made In Chelsea star in it. For anyone who wants to know what a ‘Millie’ is, tune in!
Andrew’s blog can be read at drewjbullock.wordpress.com
Follow me: @andrewjbullock
