Bare Cheek: Scotland For Aye/There Are No’s Loose Aboot This Hoose
As some of you know, we here at Bare Cheek are required to file our lovingly crafted crap two weeks before going to print. So what you are reading now, like the light from a distant star, is travelling to you from Monday last fortnight. You, dear readers, are living in a post-referendum Britain, with all that that entails – you know the outcome; we, shrouded in the murk of our pre-refendum past, can but squint and peer. Still, not wishing to miss out on what is certain to be the scoop of the century, we have filed our copy now. Simply delete where inappropriate for your ready-made Scottish Referendum Results News Article.
Last Friday, the people of Scotland, by a surprisingly/ convincingly narrow/wide margin, made the brave/sensible decision to go it alone/plunge headlong screaming into the abyss by voting to remain part of/putting two fingers up to the United Kingdom and thereby continuing the proud tradition/hastening the sorry demise of over three hundred years of political union/ occupation by a foreign power.
First Minister/fat idiot Alex Salmond claimed it was a historic victory/black day for the great nation/ territorial possession and that it would be reborn/sink as a land of hope and opportunity/an impoverished backwater. Commentators south of the border widely praised/ reviled Chancellor of The Exchequer/ inbred moron George Osborne for masterminding/ concocting the bold strategy/ career-ending cock-up of the referendum and, at last night’s meeting of the 1922 committee, it is reported that he was loudly cheered/fed to ravening dogs…
In & Out
In
• The Brain’s Trust
• Agaton Sax
• Picking your nose and eating it
• The Christian Science Monitor
• Our Tune
Out
• Granada Men & Motors
• Genuflecting
• Yahoo Chess
• Anthea Redfern
• Sap
Say What?
The BBC came under fire today, and was labelled crass and insensitive by critics, as it was rumoured that its commercial arm BBC Worldwide is planning to remake classic sitcoms to appeal specifically to a contemporary audience in the Middle East, where old shows such as ’Allo ’Allo continue to enjoy great popularity.
The news was leaked anonymously when a copy of a hand-written list of possible titles was passed to The Daily Telegraph. It is not confirmed, but the handwriting is believed to be Alan Yentob’s. On BBC headed paper, the controversial list is as follows:
• Uprising Damp
• Dad’s Terror Cell
• Ever-Decreasing Syria
• Steptoe and Sunni
• Some Mullah’s Do ’Ave ’Em
• My Wives Next Door
• Last of The Summer Offensive
• Whatever Happened to The Luton Lads?
• Fatwa, Dear Fatwa
• Iman About the House
A spokesman for the BBC has denied the allegations and claims that the list was in fact pilfered from Barry Cryer’s dressing room during a recording of ‘I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue’.
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