Brighton Lights: Lynn Ruth Miller dishes out some veteran advice …
How to save a marriage
I have had several failed marriages and relationship disasters, too numerous to count. After each split up, I ask myself, “What went wrong?” and I always come with the very answer that doesn’t save the next relationship.
For what it’s worth (and it is not worth much) I offer my conclusions to those of you contemplating tying the knot.
Rule #1: Live as far apart as possible. If you can actually reside on different planets, your marriage will last forever. However, a more practical plan is to live in different countries; if possible countries that hate one another, yet are geographically quite close (to save transportation costs). Let us say she is Russian and he is from Georgia. Every time he crosses the border to visit his darling, he risks deportation. She does not dare visit him at all, or she will be accosted by angry anti-Soviet troops. This effectively limits the marriage experience to one weekend a year … the perfect number to keep the excitement running high and the chemistry on sizzle.
Excitement running high … chemistry on sizzle
Rule #2: Have separate bathrooms. If a couple must share a bathroom, even for one weekend a year, their relationship is doomed. What if he squeezes the toothpaste tube in the middle or leaves the toilet seat up? That can sour romance in moments. What if she leaves face powder and long hairs in the sink and never bothers to scrub the ring from the tub?
A man who is faced with that kind of slop in his bathroom will run home to mother on the very next train (remember: his mum lives in his country, with him … you don’t think he can afford to pay rent in two countries, do you?).
Rule #3: When you are together, always indulge in romantic dinners with flickering candle-light, soft music playing and a lot of alcohol before, during and after. The meal should be ordered from a very posh restaurant and never mind the expense. Never, I repeat, NEVER attempt to cook the meal yourself. A home-cooked meal involves the risk of something boiling over, and it’s usually the temper of the cook.
Rule #4: Ladies, never allow your to-be-husband present at the conception of your child. If he was the one who did it to you, you will always harbour a frisson of resentment whenever you see your stretch marks or have to call the police to find Junior. Gentlemen, you do not want to be the one who gave her nine months of nausea, discomfort and stitches in her hoo-hah. She will never let you forget it.
Rule #5 (and the most important): You do not have to STAY married to save a marriage.
Sometimes, the best way to preserve your relationship is to divorce. The only issue that remains is who gets to keep the dog.
“I never knew what true happiness was until I got married. And by then, it was too late.” – Max Kauffman
